Confessions of a former Hopeless Romantic V

Systems, organization, order, necessity..control! During our self-tour of the very exquisite Boston Public Library, we stumbled upon..wait for it..yes, an honest too goodness CARD CATALOG. What? Unbelievable! In this day in age of the ever faster, ever more powerful, ever superior ever more PERFECT computerized system, a city who values education is actually still using this antiquated means of disseminating information? I was shocked, thrown off guard. Why did this stand out to me so much? Why did this bother me? And so began..let's say it together boys and girls..Soul Searching! You gotta love it by now, right? So I must admit, I have bought into the notion that modern in some ways must undoubtedly equal better. I mean computers are sophisticated and even pretty now. What glamour girl doesn't want a pink Mac Book of her very own? But, I digress, we're talking card catalogs. When and who decided that placing all of the book's information into a machine would help you locate that book faster than your forefathers could flip through several hundred cards to find that  very same book?

Besides being a former hopeless romantic, I am a recovering control freak and perfectionist. A few weeks before my trip to Boston, I met someone. The who and the where aren't as important as the what and why. Pay attention. This is where it gets good. You didn't actually think I was going to write an entire blog on card catalogs did you? But it all relates. "The Commonwealth requires that the education of the people as the safeguard to order and liberty" is inscribed on the outside of the Boston Library. This quote impacted me greatly. I have a deep reverence for education. In order for me to be free, I must educate myself. Knowledge is power right? So let's go!

I met a man who wanted to be there for me. He gave. He gave from his heart. He honestly sought my happiness and made every effort to make sure I was full of joy. He christened October 16th as the Day of Jo and in doing so gave me a holiday of my very own. I was taken to a spa for a massage and manicure at the Fairmont Newport Beach and then whisked to a world class dinner at Andreas at the Pelican Hill Resort. The view was breathtaking. Imagine this.... sunset, the ocean, Catalina Island in the distance, ravioli with truffle butter, hazelnut gelato and a pot of loose leaf jasmine green tea. It was an evening for the record books. All created just for me. Pure bliss. I learned something that night...I learned to let go. I allowed someone else to be the planner, the conductor, the orchestrator. I moved over and actually gave up the reins. I finally decided about 15 minutes into the Day of Jo to stop asking where are we going, what's planned and what comes next. I relinquished control. I gave up the need to know and embraced the element of surprise. I stopped critiquing and simply inhaled and exhaled..allowing myself to be consumed in the delight of the moment. I sat still long enough to watch the sun fully set and the moonlight illuminate the water. I asked my date repeatedly..do you see how beautiful this is? And he said "this is a gift for you from your Father..He loves you this much"!

As tears streamed down my face, I realized how so not in control I truly am. I went to that place that I keep hidden from my girls, my colleagues, my son, God and myself. The place that is wounded and scarred by disappointment and failure. That place that I allow to lie dormant until some new offense rips the scab and all of the carefully packaged emotion comes oozing out like a horrific wound. I preach healing, traveling, being open, creating moments and living authentically. But deep down there is a gaping hole which needs some attention. STAT!!! Just remember when you seek knowledge..prepare yourself to receive the answer.

The following weekend, he takes me to Crystal Cove. There are other individuals on the beach some of them getting their jog on. We begin walking side by side. He gently grabs my hand and asks "Where are you going? You in a rush"? I blush noticing my pace and make a marked effort to slow down. We start walking again. I am excitedly giving my opinion on the topic and once again he just stops. I stop. And then I remember...oh yeah my pace. I am rushing through this moment hurrying him on to our destination. And then I remember..oh yeah..we're just walking along the beach..there is no destination. Actually, we have already arrived so why do I feel the need to control the pace? We're strolling. Maybe because if I slow down he will see how vulnerable I truly am. He will see that I do not have it all together. And while I have assumed the role of the independent super mom, employee, party planner, mentor, world traveler, inspirational speaker and general all around make it happen chick, I have hidden myself from the vulnerability of romantic relationships. Even in this moment of sharing uninterrupted time with a person who seeks to truly be there for me, I am rushing. I reflect.

I will admit that I was seeking perfection. I was looking for some guarantee that nothing bad will ever happen again that will cause me to feel the pain associated with divorce. I would not tolerate disappointment, broken promises or failure. So, I guarded myself by building a castle on a hill. I built a mote with a drawbridge and filled it up with pirahnas and alligators. I put up barbed wire and attached signs with angry doberman faces which read BEWARE. Oh, don't get me wrong the inside was beautifully adorned with empowering plaques that celebrated a woman on a mission. I always thought that one day a man strong enough and determined enough would fight the alligators, scale the walls and come save me from my lone existence. But a funny thing happened. I had an epiphany while in Boston. One morning, Sherrill and I spent a good 15 minutes pondering whether to purchase a Go Boston card which would give us access to many of the top sight seeing places. A kindly librarian looking woman assisted us with our planning. After too many minutes of watching two control freaks (Sherrill has already admitted this) ponder every aspect of the pros and cons of the purchase all while debating the time we would have to actually use this investment, she says in a very direct tone "OK ladies enough! Cough of the cash so we can get you on your way! You ladies have wasted 15 minutes discussing this and you can be in the trolley headed to your first destination"! Without a word or even looking at each other, we open our wallets and comply. Once we were out of earshot of the librarianesque Go Card vendor, we looked at each other and laughed. She was so right. Precious moments of life wasted as we perfected our plan. We weren't living, we were plotting the perfect day, the perfect places to see, the perfect person to meet. So, the joke is on me. God had a little talk with me during this season of my life. I am responsible for tearing my own castle down. I constucted it. I have to swim through my self-made mote and reach out. It's not for anyone but me to do the work. I was waiting on a perfect system not realizing that they too get viruses, power down, lose connection. Their is no perfect.

I have begun my demolition and boy is the view so much better. Letting go of all of the preconceived notions of how things should be sure helps me to appreciate how they really are. Okay, I know you are wondering what's happening with me and my gentleman. Well, he exited my life as swiftly as he entered. In the grand scheme of things, I am comforted by the fact that this man was in my life for a reason. He was not meant for the destination but rather for the stroll. And that is okay. He taught me invaluable lessons and at our departure we wished each other well. www.inspiringthots.net/movie/reason-season.php

Be encouraged and know that God cares even about the secret things. Be courageous enough to let your perception of perfection be altered by His mighty hand. Be still long enough to see the beauty in the lives that He allows to cross your path. Be willing to go to that vulnerable place and allow His touch to heal those deep wounds. Be wise enough to let people and things go that hold you back. And be fearless enough to realize that you are perfect just as you are-that is...lacking nothing essential to the whole.

Loving you in all your splendor from the vulnerable place in my heart,

Jodi

Psalms 23:1 The Lord is my Shepherd, I SHALL NOT WANT (to be without;lack)

Confessions of a former hopeless romantic part IV

Read the paragraph below and then click on the link preceding the paragraph to view the slideshow.  The site has received so many hits that it may take a moment
for the slide presentation to display but it is well worth the wait!

This guy Rob said God was unfolding a vision in his life over the span of
about a year and then he put faith to feet and made it happen. Rob and
Keisha dated for about 4 years. And he knew that she was the one...but he
had to save up for all that God had prompted him to do for her. So in short
what you are about to see happen on April 28th....he rented out 10 rooms in
the Ritz Carlton in Buckhead and invited about 50-60 people to be there for
this special night...Keisha had to go from room to room and in each room
were people who were special to them....his boys...her girls...her Bible
Study group...his parents...her parents..etc. and everybody in each room
had questions that she had to answer to be able to move to the next room
and before she left each room the people there would pray over her...so you
have to watch each room to see how that goes...he chose roses because
Keisha's aunt who passed suddenly loved roses and he bought some of the
dipped in gold because of the stories in the Bible about Solomon and how
everything was dipped in gold and the song that you hear playing in the
background was the same song that was played at Keisha's aunts funeral, she
was like a second mom to Keisha.

When Rob was asked what he was thinking and how it felt...he said that he
was kicking and screaming all the way, not because he did not love Keisha
and want to marry her....but because of the time , money, and stress that
was spent doing this. Rob, put his house up for rent and saved for her ring
and this night and he did it out of obedience.

Click the link from Rob's email below to see the slide show...turn your
volume up.....


Subject: Robert & Keisha's Engagement Pictures

I have spent the past year of my life piecing together a vision given to me
by God. On April 28, 2007, that vision was fulfilled.  My labor of love for
the woman I love.

"God Is Love...The Proposal"

The Proposal (link)

A few years ago I received this email as a forward. I did not pay too much attention to it. I think maybe that I wasn't quite ready to watch it. Okay, so here I am being honest again. I think when it comes to love and relationships, I have got to be the most double minded person. A few weeks ago, one of my cousin's updated her Facebook status with this...

I must really learn that its not shameful to accept from others. Love must be balanced. If nobody were to receive love, who could give it?

Sowing and Reaping, Give and Take. Where did I learn this shame? When did this imbalance take root and germinate. Better yet, how do I begin to abort this weed? I need some Round Up! This weed is choking the life.So I was reminded this week that the first step to recovery is even admitting there is a problem...

Hi my name is Jodi and I am recovering hopeless romantic. And we all say "Hi Jodi". Some of you may not understand why it's so important for me not to continue in this state. I know I know, a hopeless romantic is a popular term assigned to those who are in love with love. I am not saying that I don't love long walks on the beach, roses and candlelit dinners as much as the next girl. What I am saying is that I can no longer use a term that begins with hopeless. I am not hopeless "having no expectation of hope;despair;desperate" as the on-line dictionary states. I stopped caring several years ago about what is the popular thing to say.

So here I am on this journey, discovering myself, facing my fears, coming clean and becoming. I love that word...BECOMING. It's delicate yet has movement. There is no expectation of time, the beginning or the end, or what the destination will bring. It just means a process of change. Change...now that's a good thing. Freaky, just had a Deja VU. Watching Brothers and Sisters and typing the word change. I digress.

This week I had a CONVERSATION that changed my life. It made me stretch my beliefs and boundaries, my hopes and my dreams, my self-worth and fears. I appreciate my friend for that. I appreciate his honesty, the gentle approach and most of all his listening ear. So, I reflected. Then remembered this email from 2007. Located it and watched the whole thing beginning to end. No longer afraid to face my fear of connecting with another individual. Understanding that I am worth of all of this and more. Learning that in order for me to experience my idea of romantic love, I must not be afraid to receive love. There is a vulnerability in all of this of course. Is there really any other way to truly grow?

Confessions of a former Hopeless Romantic Part III

     Okay..here I am working through another one of my issues. But, it's my blog so I can use this blank canvas to share my heart. To be as real and raw as I wanna, right? I used to take the bus sometimes while I was attending Berkeley. I saw my bus coming..number 77 or 78..ok it does not matter..well sort of. The point is-I knew this was the bus I needed to get from Andronico's grocery store to HOME! So as the bus approached I kind of looked away. Maybe I was embarrassed that I was taking the bus..not as chic as BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) or maybe I assumed the bus driver knew I had been taking this same bus every Tuesday and Thursday for months and would just stop or maybe I kinda wished that I was the owner of my own vehicle able to travel freely around the Bay Area. Whatever the reason..this is what happened. The bus driver pulls that big machine over, opens the door and looks me right in the eye and says this "Next time you see your bus coming..you better act like you wanna catch it or I will pass you by". And this was all before I stepped foot on his mobile work place. Well of course my initial reaction was "how dare this %^$# (your expletive of choice) speak to me in that tone!". My blood was curdling..I mean I am sitting at your freakin' bus stop. What??? Do you think I was just resting my feet, taking in the scenery, contemplating life.??.SERIOUSLY!!! But, instead of reacting, I found a seat and stared out the window replaying his 21 words that little did I know still stick with me nearly 21 years later! Fast Forward..
     9/18/2009 I am involved in my Friday morning ritual of swimming laps at LA Fitness. In walks a rather attractive man. Well, truth be told I knew exactly who this mystery man was...sort of! I've tried to check him out before but, I could never catch a good glimpse. Red and blue trunks (nice length), black gym bag (Nike I think), flip flops (not the cheap rubber ones), red goggles that look more like a pair of Oakleys. He hesitates for a second. Places bag on the floor next to the window instead of using the hooks. He surveys the entire pool. All of the lanes are occupied. I am swimming casually towards his direction however my gaze is straight ahead. Mystery man is in my peripheral. Now either he is walking towards the jacuzzi or coming to talk to me. But I won't make direct eye contact. The very guy I have been checking out for months walking towards me and I freeze up. He stops on the side of me and says "Would it bother you if I shared your lane?" What the %^$#(expletive of your choice) is wrong with me? This is rhetorical. In response, I shake my head side to side like a flippin' horse. He thanks me and says that he promises to stay on his side. I barely look up obviously appearing to be very disinterested! Disinterested in the very guy I have been wondering about?! We ended up talking a bit at the end of his laps but, that's neither here nor there for the point I am trying to make.
     So can you guess what tape played in my mind next? You betcha..the good 'ol bus driver talking to me about how I need to act interested..or it will pass me by! In normal circumstances like group settings, interviewing clients, public speaking..I am confident. I mean downright ace in the hole. Those things don't intimidate me. So why do simple interactions with men cause me to freeze up? Guess I need to do some soul searching...ok done! It's called the left overs from rejection, abandonment and disappointment. Thought I was done with this. I know all of this stuff logically but when the rubber meets the road, I resort to my old behavior patterns. Dismissive, disinterested..anything like Al Pacino in the God Father? So here is my challenge....
     Rewind back to 1989, A few stops later, an older gentleman boards that bus. He notices my forlorn face and says "Smile young lady! Cuz when you smile..the whole world smiles back at you"! And that too has stuck with me for two decades. I will smile. I will make eye contact. I will act interested...in the whole world. For what do I stand to gain but, a smile in return?

   

Confessions of a former Hopeless Romantic Part II

I was a freshman in college, browsing through a print shop on Telegraph Ave in Berkeley, California when I first saw them. Awestruck, no, no that's not the word. Awestruck.  Mesmerized, yes that's the feeling washing over me right now. I remember and it still makes me smile. Okay more like blush! What was I wearing..hmmm..circa 1989...green plaid pants, green t-shirt..comfy, preppy..The GAP. Flipping, thumbing, browsing through images. My mission-bring some personality, style, "ME" to my humdrum dorm room.  17 years old, living on my own. Rules are mine for the making and breaking. It's my turn. I hold the reins, the paint brush, the teasing comb.  A blank canvas waiting for me..me. But who am I?

I'm searching for something that moves me. An object that expresses my inner self to the outer world. I turn and see them. How dare they distract me from my personal mission. Indignant, I avert my eyes. Don't they understand there is a time and place for everything. People are rushing by on their way to the office, to dinner, to pick up their children, to escape the streets, the crowds, each other but, they don't seem to notice. Moving, shopping, breathing, eating, chatting, hurrying along trying to keep time with the rhythm of their own lives. And there they are without a care in the world. Strangely intrigued yet slightly offended, I try not to pay attention. But they have enraptured me. Is it rude to stare? Guess it does not matter because they aren't paying attention to me anyway.

What is this I am feeling? A twinge of..no way couldn't be jealousy, longing maybe? I mean hello people..you are in public. Him, looking all cocky like, protective arm around her shoulder, his back to the world. Her, hands unclenched, shoulders relaxed, head back without a care in the world. And there they are kissing. Wait what was I here for I am all off kilter now. Oh yeah I was looking for what I love, what speaks to me, what defines who I am.

That is it.. I see it. I mean I really see it. It's beautiful, artistic and lovely. The contradictions so wonderfully captured. I've got to purchase this thing. I must possess it. Make it my own. It's perfect. This photograph (top of page) by Robert Doisneau was the first poster to adorn my walls. So young, naive and inexperienced and I choose a picture of lovers. Seems bizarre. I decorated that dorm room 20 years ago. And my my the lessons I have learned since then.

I am Jodi. I am fascinated by the glamour of the 40's and 50's and I think black and white photographs are tres chic. I am enamored with old movies but, find myself paying more attention to the outfits and hair as opposed to the story line. I prefer the word photograph over pic. I don't mind modest public displays of affection. I have come to appreciate the sincere protective arm of a self assured gentleman. You know the kind of man that makes you feel so secure that your hands unclench, you throw your hair to the wind and your shoulders relax. Makes me think of Terry McMillan's "Waiting to Exhale".  I have learned the POWER of an elegantly crafted stiletto, the right hue of red lipstick and a well developed vocabulary. A woman should wear her clothes and not the other way around. A well fitting dress can be used as a weapon or a target. I love the line from My Big Fat Greek Wedding when Toula's mother says "The man is the head but, the woman is the neck. And she can turn the head anyway she wants". Ladies you have more power than you realize. And now the kiss.

I leave you with this as you move about your life planning, organizing, achieving. STOP! Pay attention to the kisses you witness. Affection shared between lovers is only obvious of course. But, I am talking about the dew on a bud, a rain drop on a window, the sun on the water, a leaf falling to the ground, pen to paper, the sound of a baby's laughter, the wind in her hair, the smile on his face.

Be gentle, Be kind, Be blessed!

All is fair in love and war...

Why this title? I hear it used but I'm still not completely sure what it means. It makes me wonder how much we say, hope for and think about is really understood. Yet, we want it so bad. We want it right now. Give it to me!! We whine. It's too hot. It's too cold. Not enough rain..too much rain! Stay. Go. I want you....or do I? Human nature can be so fickle...and yet so determined.

According to WikiAnswers, All is Fair in Love and War actually comes from an original quote by John Lyly's 'Eupheus' "The rules of fair play do not apply in love and war". Now that I can understand... a little better..I think. So as children we are taught to be fair, to share, to treat our neighbor as we want to be treated. And then we grow up. And we are assaulted by backstabbing friends, broken hearts and lies. Our world slowly crumbling before us. And then we learn to cope...vices, denial, anger, stress, yoga, chocolate, church. The VOID becoming greater. Or maybe we mold ourselves, change even if ever so slightly to make ourselves acceptable, palatable, digestible. Playing tug of war...with each other..with ourselves!

Call me old fashioned, weak or dumb but, I still choose to take the high road or the Road Less Traveled as Robert Frost calls it. This road is definitely not for the faint at heart. The path sometimes gets so windy and steep that not even our closes friend can walk side by side with us. And then there are times that the fog gets so dense that we can't even see our own hands. It can be lonely at times...the journey. While on this road we may meet those who live by the mantra "All is fair in love and war". No, let me restate that..On this road we WILL meet those who live solely for themselves. Be aware, stay focused and remember your childhood lessons.

I attended a funeral last week of an 85 year old great grandmother. She left this parting message to be shared with all ..."Keep your heart pure which includes treating each other and yourself kindly".

Be Blessed