Confessions of a former Hopeless Romantic Part III

     Okay..here I am working through another one of my issues. But, it's my blog so I can use this blank canvas to share my heart. To be as real and raw as I wanna, right? I used to take the bus sometimes while I was attending Berkeley. I saw my bus coming..number 77 or 78..ok it does not matter..well sort of. The point is-I knew this was the bus I needed to get from Andronico's grocery store to HOME! So as the bus approached I kind of looked away. Maybe I was embarrassed that I was taking the bus..not as chic as BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) or maybe I assumed the bus driver knew I had been taking this same bus every Tuesday and Thursday for months and would just stop or maybe I kinda wished that I was the owner of my own vehicle able to travel freely around the Bay Area. Whatever the reason..this is what happened. The bus driver pulls that big machine over, opens the door and looks me right in the eye and says this "Next time you see your bus coming..you better act like you wanna catch it or I will pass you by". And this was all before I stepped foot on his mobile work place. Well of course my initial reaction was "how dare this %^$# (your expletive of choice) speak to me in that tone!". My blood was curdling..I mean I am sitting at your freakin' bus stop. What??? Do you think I was just resting my feet, taking in the scenery, contemplating life.??.SERIOUSLY!!! But, instead of reacting, I found a seat and stared out the window replaying his 21 words that little did I know still stick with me nearly 21 years later! Fast Forward..
     9/18/2009 I am involved in my Friday morning ritual of swimming laps at LA Fitness. In walks a rather attractive man. Well, truth be told I knew exactly who this mystery man was...sort of! I've tried to check him out before but, I could never catch a good glimpse. Red and blue trunks (nice length), black gym bag (Nike I think), flip flops (not the cheap rubber ones), red goggles that look more like a pair of Oakleys. He hesitates for a second. Places bag on the floor next to the window instead of using the hooks. He surveys the entire pool. All of the lanes are occupied. I am swimming casually towards his direction however my gaze is straight ahead. Mystery man is in my peripheral. Now either he is walking towards the jacuzzi or coming to talk to me. But I won't make direct eye contact. The very guy I have been checking out for months walking towards me and I freeze up. He stops on the side of me and says "Would it bother you if I shared your lane?" What the %^$#(expletive of your choice) is wrong with me? This is rhetorical. In response, I shake my head side to side like a flippin' horse. He thanks me and says that he promises to stay on his side. I barely look up obviously appearing to be very disinterested! Disinterested in the very guy I have been wondering about?! We ended up talking a bit at the end of his laps but, that's neither here nor there for the point I am trying to make.
     So can you guess what tape played in my mind next? You betcha..the good 'ol bus driver talking to me about how I need to act interested..or it will pass me by! In normal circumstances like group settings, interviewing clients, public speaking..I am confident. I mean downright ace in the hole. Those things don't intimidate me. So why do simple interactions with men cause me to freeze up? Guess I need to do some soul searching...ok done! It's called the left overs from rejection, abandonment and disappointment. Thought I was done with this. I know all of this stuff logically but when the rubber meets the road, I resort to my old behavior patterns. Dismissive, disinterested..anything like Al Pacino in the God Father? So here is my challenge....
     Rewind back to 1989, A few stops later, an older gentleman boards that bus. He notices my forlorn face and says "Smile young lady! Cuz when you smile..the whole world smiles back at you"! And that too has stuck with me for two decades. I will smile. I will make eye contact. I will act interested...in the whole world. For what do I stand to gain but, a smile in return?