Confessions of a former Hopeless Romantic Part III

     Okay..here I am working through another one of my issues. But, it's my blog so I can use this blank canvas to share my heart. To be as real and raw as I wanna, right? I used to take the bus sometimes while I was attending Berkeley. I saw my bus coming..number 77 or 78..ok it does not matter..well sort of. The point is-I knew this was the bus I needed to get from Andronico's grocery store to HOME! So as the bus approached I kind of looked away. Maybe I was embarrassed that I was taking the bus..not as chic as BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) or maybe I assumed the bus driver knew I had been taking this same bus every Tuesday and Thursday for months and would just stop or maybe I kinda wished that I was the owner of my own vehicle able to travel freely around the Bay Area. Whatever the reason..this is what happened. The bus driver pulls that big machine over, opens the door and looks me right in the eye and says this "Next time you see your bus coming..you better act like you wanna catch it or I will pass you by". And this was all before I stepped foot on his mobile work place. Well of course my initial reaction was "how dare this %^$# (your expletive of choice) speak to me in that tone!". My blood was curdling..I mean I am sitting at your freakin' bus stop. What??? Do you think I was just resting my feet, taking in the scenery, contemplating life.??.SERIOUSLY!!! But, instead of reacting, I found a seat and stared out the window replaying his 21 words that little did I know still stick with me nearly 21 years later! Fast Forward..
     9/18/2009 I am involved in my Friday morning ritual of swimming laps at LA Fitness. In walks a rather attractive man. Well, truth be told I knew exactly who this mystery man was...sort of! I've tried to check him out before but, I could never catch a good glimpse. Red and blue trunks (nice length), black gym bag (Nike I think), flip flops (not the cheap rubber ones), red goggles that look more like a pair of Oakleys. He hesitates for a second. Places bag on the floor next to the window instead of using the hooks. He surveys the entire pool. All of the lanes are occupied. I am swimming casually towards his direction however my gaze is straight ahead. Mystery man is in my peripheral. Now either he is walking towards the jacuzzi or coming to talk to me. But I won't make direct eye contact. The very guy I have been checking out for months walking towards me and I freeze up. He stops on the side of me and says "Would it bother you if I shared your lane?" What the %^$#(expletive of your choice) is wrong with me? This is rhetorical. In response, I shake my head side to side like a flippin' horse. He thanks me and says that he promises to stay on his side. I barely look up obviously appearing to be very disinterested! Disinterested in the very guy I have been wondering about?! We ended up talking a bit at the end of his laps but, that's neither here nor there for the point I am trying to make.
     So can you guess what tape played in my mind next? You betcha..the good 'ol bus driver talking to me about how I need to act interested..or it will pass me by! In normal circumstances like group settings, interviewing clients, public speaking..I am confident. I mean downright ace in the hole. Those things don't intimidate me. So why do simple interactions with men cause me to freeze up? Guess I need to do some soul searching...ok done! It's called the left overs from rejection, abandonment and disappointment. Thought I was done with this. I know all of this stuff logically but when the rubber meets the road, I resort to my old behavior patterns. Dismissive, disinterested..anything like Al Pacino in the God Father? So here is my challenge....
     Rewind back to 1989, A few stops later, an older gentleman boards that bus. He notices my forlorn face and says "Smile young lady! Cuz when you smile..the whole world smiles back at you"! And that too has stuck with me for two decades. I will smile. I will make eye contact. I will act interested...in the whole world. For what do I stand to gain but, a smile in return?

   

Confessions of a former Hopeless Romantic Part II

I was a freshman in college, browsing through a print shop on Telegraph Ave in Berkeley, California when I first saw them. Awestruck, no, no that's not the word. Awestruck.  Mesmerized, yes that's the feeling washing over me right now. I remember and it still makes me smile. Okay more like blush! What was I wearing..hmmm..circa 1989...green plaid pants, green t-shirt..comfy, preppy..The GAP. Flipping, thumbing, browsing through images. My mission-bring some personality, style, "ME" to my humdrum dorm room.  17 years old, living on my own. Rules are mine for the making and breaking. It's my turn. I hold the reins, the paint brush, the teasing comb.  A blank canvas waiting for me..me. But who am I?

I'm searching for something that moves me. An object that expresses my inner self to the outer world. I turn and see them. How dare they distract me from my personal mission. Indignant, I avert my eyes. Don't they understand there is a time and place for everything. People are rushing by on their way to the office, to dinner, to pick up their children, to escape the streets, the crowds, each other but, they don't seem to notice. Moving, shopping, breathing, eating, chatting, hurrying along trying to keep time with the rhythm of their own lives. And there they are without a care in the world. Strangely intrigued yet slightly offended, I try not to pay attention. But they have enraptured me. Is it rude to stare? Guess it does not matter because they aren't paying attention to me anyway.

What is this I am feeling? A twinge of..no way couldn't be jealousy, longing maybe? I mean hello people..you are in public. Him, looking all cocky like, protective arm around her shoulder, his back to the world. Her, hands unclenched, shoulders relaxed, head back without a care in the world. And there they are kissing. Wait what was I here for I am all off kilter now. Oh yeah I was looking for what I love, what speaks to me, what defines who I am.

That is it.. I see it. I mean I really see it. It's beautiful, artistic and lovely. The contradictions so wonderfully captured. I've got to purchase this thing. I must possess it. Make it my own. It's perfect. This photograph (top of page) by Robert Doisneau was the first poster to adorn my walls. So young, naive and inexperienced and I choose a picture of lovers. Seems bizarre. I decorated that dorm room 20 years ago. And my my the lessons I have learned since then.

I am Jodi. I am fascinated by the glamour of the 40's and 50's and I think black and white photographs are tres chic. I am enamored with old movies but, find myself paying more attention to the outfits and hair as opposed to the story line. I prefer the word photograph over pic. I don't mind modest public displays of affection. I have come to appreciate the sincere protective arm of a self assured gentleman. You know the kind of man that makes you feel so secure that your hands unclench, you throw your hair to the wind and your shoulders relax. Makes me think of Terry McMillan's "Waiting to Exhale".  I have learned the POWER of an elegantly crafted stiletto, the right hue of red lipstick and a well developed vocabulary. A woman should wear her clothes and not the other way around. A well fitting dress can be used as a weapon or a target. I love the line from My Big Fat Greek Wedding when Toula's mother says "The man is the head but, the woman is the neck. And she can turn the head anyway she wants". Ladies you have more power than you realize. And now the kiss.

I leave you with this as you move about your life planning, organizing, achieving. STOP! Pay attention to the kisses you witness. Affection shared between lovers is only obvious of course. But, I am talking about the dew on a bud, a rain drop on a window, the sun on the water, a leaf falling to the ground, pen to paper, the sound of a baby's laughter, the wind in her hair, the smile on his face.

Be gentle, Be kind, Be blessed!

All is fair in love and war...

Why this title? I hear it used but I'm still not completely sure what it means. It makes me wonder how much we say, hope for and think about is really understood. Yet, we want it so bad. We want it right now. Give it to me!! We whine. It's too hot. It's too cold. Not enough rain..too much rain! Stay. Go. I want you....or do I? Human nature can be so fickle...and yet so determined.

According to WikiAnswers, All is Fair in Love and War actually comes from an original quote by John Lyly's 'Eupheus' "The rules of fair play do not apply in love and war". Now that I can understand... a little better..I think. So as children we are taught to be fair, to share, to treat our neighbor as we want to be treated. And then we grow up. And we are assaulted by backstabbing friends, broken hearts and lies. Our world slowly crumbling before us. And then we learn to cope...vices, denial, anger, stress, yoga, chocolate, church. The VOID becoming greater. Or maybe we mold ourselves, change even if ever so slightly to make ourselves acceptable, palatable, digestible. Playing tug of war...with each other..with ourselves!

Call me old fashioned, weak or dumb but, I still choose to take the high road or the Road Less Traveled as Robert Frost calls it. This road is definitely not for the faint at heart. The path sometimes gets so windy and steep that not even our closes friend can walk side by side with us. And then there are times that the fog gets so dense that we can't even see our own hands. It can be lonely at times...the journey. While on this road we may meet those who live by the mantra "All is fair in love and war". No, let me restate that..On this road we WILL meet those who live solely for themselves. Be aware, stay focused and remember your childhood lessons.

I attended a funeral last week of an 85 year old great grandmother. She left this parting message to be shared with all ..."Keep your heart pure which includes treating each other and yourself kindly".

Be Blessed