My compartmentalized life

My first Attempt at Bento

Years ago, about 26 to be exact, I became fascinated with Bento Boxes. The Japanese lunch containers which keep food items separated, proportioned and neatly packaged intrigued me. How could food look so cute and be so delicious? Wow! In recent years, I began collecting all sorts of shapes and sizes with the intention of one day mastering the art (and truly it is) of the bento. I learned that the authentic containers were sized according to gender. The boxes were designated for portion control for either men or women.

Isn't it amazing how ordinary things can be made beautiful?

As I prepared the food, cutting, rolling, sprinkling I found myself enjoying the attention to detail. I carefully filled the little pink sauce containers, arranged the items as they spoke to me, covered the container and placed it in my refrigerator for the next day's lunch. I was obviously was so proud of this accomplishment that I took a picture of it! I left my kitchen with a sense of satisfaction of how neatly organized a meal can be. Everything in it's place.

As I laid in my bed that night, I thought about the angle I would use in my Real Woman Real Food Blog. This is a photo of food so surely it belongs in my separate blog pertaining to exercise and food choices. Wait, why am I writing three, yes 3 different blogs? Originally, I think my logic had something to do with separating my life into different parts, somehow believing that one area is not related nor does it influence the other. Somewhere along my life's time line, I learned that my fitness, my spirituality, my motherhood, my likes and my romantic relationships were separate. I managed to compartmentalize my life.

Now I see things a bit differently. 

The areas in which I feel accomplished such as education, socializing, my ability to communicate, I bring to the forefront of my personality. I proudly display these strengths like enlarged family photos in the entry way of a home. My other traits which have remained slightly underdeveloped most likely from under use, I keep carefully wrapped and hidden in the attic or the basement depending on my mood. Occasionally, I may dust them off and try them on for nostalgia's sake like an old pair of metal roller skates.

One area I actually purposefully strive to keep hidden, separated and under wraps is my romantic life. The WHY of that will be explored in another post at a later time. I am not sure I am ready to deal with the emotions attached to why. So, I will begin with describing the what. Inspite of not getting the results that I want, I find a strange sense of comfort in remaining "safe" behind my walls. I am the woman who will find a reason, albeit subconsciously (most of the time) to keep love blocked from life.  It may have seemed obvious to some of you that know me but, I just learned this about myself. Verbally, if asked, I could articulately describe the type of relationship I desire and the characteristics that I find most attractive. However, when what is in my head moves to real life, it's a whole different story. 

Just so I know there will not be any cross contamination in my neatly compartmentalized life, I make most men my best friend. I remove all possibility of romance as I elect to be and convince them that I am prepared to be his life coach, his cheerleader, or his therapist! But please oh please sir, do not make this uncomfortable by hinting at any type of romantic interest. Do I want to be alone for the rest of my life? Um no! Is this kind of crazy(used very loosely)? Um yes!

We can easily surmise that I separate love because it feels safer, it keeps me protected from the possibility of being hurt, it's the result of divorce or little girls who aren't raised by their natural fathers. It could be all of those things or none of those things. At one time, I was so burdened with figuring out the WHY that I went to counseling. After a very teary and difficult sharing of my love blockage, I waited for the therapist to give me psychological permission to blame my ex-husband, my father or my mother. That would make me feel better right? The blame must lie somewhere. There has to be some source of this issue. Instead, she looked me in the eye and matter of factly stated, "I am not so much interested in exploring why you have the walls but rather, why you suddenly are aware that you no longer need them." 

Wishing you a life filled with love and bliss,

Jodi

The Walking Dead

Let's start at the end and not waste words....

I buried my love life a decade ago

My great-great-great grandfather's grave site (Opelousas, LA)

This will most likely be the most challenging yet honest post I will ever write.

So, this morning started out like any other Sunday. I was finally able to catch Oprah's Soul Sunday. I watched about an hour, got a healthy dose of inspiration and proceeded to get ready for church. I replayed a few conversations in my mind which occurred the day before while styling my hair. I am always amazed when the simple seemingly insignificant moments of life turn your world upside down. I was caught off guard by a statement made. Me, the woman who can usually hold her own when it comes to expressing herself, stood there stumped. Not knowing how to respond, I grabbed for straws, with a really messy attempt at diverting the conversation. I will keep what was said to myself, at least for now. But trust when I say, this threw a wrench in my neatly packaged life.

Heading out the door, I grabbed a water bottle out of the fridge when I heard/felt/thought the following: You have allowed love to die in your life. You closed the book, shut the door, ended that chapter a long time ago. Oh yes, in other areas you live adventurously open to new possibilities, new landscapes, new ideas. But in the romantic love department, you are shut down, a walking zombie. So in true Jodi fashion I begin reasoning with this revelation. Um, how can you say I am closed off? Why would someone who prays for God to send the right person into her life commit romantic murder? I am appalled. This is ridiculous. Stupefied, I just stand there for a minute. I feel the tears welling, I stop them and say "not now, I'm late. This is no time for an Aha moment". Can we say 'control issues'. No need to further reason. 

Photo from Lonely Planet

There is no denying the truth. This revelation built a bridge. Now, I must decide if I am willing to do the work and walk over. I used to make fun of people still dressed in a terribly outdated get up. You know the women still fixated on 1983 hoping to recapture when they felt their sexy best. I just want to yell out "you are invited to join us in 2011"! That was until this morning when I was not so subtly reminded that I am literally stuck in the grief of my disappointment in love. Simultaneously vowing to never get hurt again and convincing myself that I am ready to open my heart, I sit here waiting, talking the talk but surely not walking the walk.

I can normally conclude each post with some great lesson learned. But this journey will be a process. My heart was not disappointed and broken over night so there is a very good chance the healing won't be either. This does not mean that I will stop approaching each day with joy and hope. It just means that I recognize that some things were never meant to be rushed. Somewhere we have learned that time is a bad thing. Microwaves, high speed internet, diet pills and plastic surgery have many of us thinking that everything must happen quickly. 

Photo from Parent Vortex

I am committing to surrendering to the process, to my journey, to the Aha moments. What I know for sure is that weaping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning. This will be a good ride. I trust my guide (the Holy Spirit) and I trust myself. Holding onto the pain of disappointment no longer serves me. Bitterness has no place in my future. Life is too good to just exist in any area. With courage, I will walk boldly into my future. With gratitude, I will LIVE in the moment and experience the joy of each person who crosses my path. And with understanding, I will connect the parts of my past to my happily ever after like stepping stones.

I am not anxious about the work that lies ahead. I think Maya Angelou states it best. “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.” I will not be overwhelmed by what lies ahead. Life is full of twists and turns. Lean with it, learn to bend. I am confident in my strong foundation. My faith will make me whole. 

Quotes I will live by:

“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.” 

“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.”

“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it. ”

Blessings for your journey,

Jodi

Settle in for the Season...

I have not updated this blog in awhile. A lot has happened. A lot has changed, including the season.


Autumn, my favorite time of year is upon us. In years gone by, I made a habit of allowing sadness to take residence during these months. Joy was usually the full time occupant but, I found myself permitting loneliness to sublet. I did not understand the powerful effect of the changing season. The dying to old things to make room for the new. Funny how something you love can also conjure up memories of pain. Circumstances have not changed much but, I have.

I am fully committed to not only embracing each new year with pleasure but also the wisdom that comes with it. Aging does not necessarily make you any more hip to life's lessons. Unfortunately, I have met a few old foolish individuals. I am better than I was and I have hope in the promise of tomorrow.

What I know for sure is this:

1. Starbuck's introduces the most delicious drinks in mid September

2. Becoming comfortable in your skin while continuing to push towards your better self is most necessary. Like the unwillingness to forgive, we can sometimes choose to keep hate alive. We think if I love myself at this weight, or with this struggle it means I am saying "it's okay". Similarly, we may believe that extending an olive branch to someone we feel has betrayed us means that we are saying the offence was OK. This is not so. Forgiving removes blockages. It keeps the portals open for love to flow freely. This does not absolve the individual from taking responsibility for their actions. It does assist you with living your life free of unnecessary baggage and pain. I will allow love to push me towards the new self I am forging rather than hate of what was. My old body, like old hurts have no place in my future. I choose to release them.

3. Scarves and boots have been a part of clothing history for centuries yet every season I look forward to seeing what's hot. Eggplant, dark grey, ruby, chocolate, nutmeg, camel and cinnamon carry multiple meanings for me...smooth and velvety!

4. Love covers a multitude of ills

5. If you have hope, you have everything

6. The love and stability of family keeps me rooted

I assign value and meaning to my life, to my days, to my experiences. I added a 'no subletting' clause to my agreement. My relationship status, bank balance or scale will no longer determine my mood. I am in control of that. God is and always has been in my past, present and future, in Him will I trust. Surrender to the season and prepare for the continued joy to come.

Peace and prosperity,
Jodi

Our deepest fear....

Moyo Restaurant at Spier Winery, South Africa

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us".

This has been a favorite quote of mine for about 7 years. It comes from a book entitled a Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. I am a fan.

Although, I can pretty much repeat this quote verbatim, I didn't get a real understanding of these first two sentences until a few weeks ago.

Over the last year, several co-workers have approached me about re-vamping their look. They often begin with a story about how/when/where/why they "lost" their sense of self including their beauty. While the details differ from woman to woman, the stories have a similar thread. These women usually share that they own dresses but, no longer feel feminine enough or courageous enough or thin enough to wear them. Some ladies say that while others may think they look fine, they don't feel fine. They are seeking something more..a return to self..a return to love. I step in by simply requesting a date for their big reveal. How they choose to express themselves is solely up to them.

In March 2011, a work mate set June 20th as her Diva Reveal Day. Several days before, she asked that I not make a big deal about this. I smiled fully aware that I have yet to meet a woman who gets her hair cut and colored, a new dress and shoes who wants only to be ignored. Moving forward with my plans, I prepared by requesting assistance from others. She walked in to a decorated desk of flowers, banners, a tiara, a card and a gift card for a pedi at the nail spa from her unit. But most importantly, about 15 of us gathered around her cheering and clapping as she strutted her stuff down the row. Beaming with sugar and spice, I saw her blossom before my eyes. She was all full of light and love. She returned to love.

While many people gathered around not everyone understood the power of this moment. The week before the big reveal, a banner was passed for anyone who felt like writing words of encouragement. I was a bit disconcerted that a majority of the well wishers wrote things like "You are beautiful as you are. Don't change. We love you and you are already a star". Now this is a very nice message from genuinely thoughtful individuals. However....it reminded me that sometimes the people we are closes to will not share in our vision of self-growth.

No doubt this woman is an ideal employee, a team player, a sweet spirit and a caring person but, she felt the need for change. She craved change. She stretched herself, challenged herself and mustered up the courage to look insecurity square in the face. She, with full awareness, looked at an area in her own life where she felt inadequate and decided to let go of the fear. She embraced her light. Others around her were nervous for her or was it for themselves...Scared of what she may discover on this journey. They knew her in a certain capacity and they were comfortable with that role. Who would this new woman be? How would they relate to her? And what does her striving for something more reveal about their own feelings of inadequacy. Darkness conceals. Light reveals!

She pressed through and has continued her new look to this day. She walks different, talks different and has encouraged others to break free.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

 Last Sunday after service ended, I was grabbing a cup of coffee when I was cornered approached by one of the elders. She peered at me with her coffee cup near her mouth and said, "Um Jodi, I know you work, you are a single mom and you love to travel but, what are you here to do? What is your purpose"? Now, first let me be completely truthful and admit that I was a bit irritated. What kind of question was that? I wanted to say "why are you just running up on people all willy nilly and asking BIG LIFE QUESTIONS like that"?? But, she spoke to my light. I admit there is some fear keeping me from becoming all of the woman I know I am. I looked this well intentioned woman in the eye and said without falter, "I am here to inspire others to live their best lives. I am here to inspire women and girls in particular to reach for their goals...you know to help bridge the gap between where they are and where they desire to be". There was a pause between us. I stood there maybe waiting for her reaction but thinking yes that's true. That resonates with my spirit. With a wink and a smile, she replies "Uh huh, yes, I know that, get on with it". As I let my own light shine....

 Durban, South Africa: Pier on the Indian Ocean

Blessings for a prosperous Independence Day. Flow in your Freedom!

Robben Island, South Africa: Mandela's Prison

Jodi

On the edge...My second lesson on my South African journey

For years, I avoided reading Eat, Pray, Love. I remember watching the author, Elizabeth Gilbert, share herstory on Oprah. Wavering between transfixed silence and cool irritation, I listened. No doubt, this world travellin', higher self seekin', lookin' for the sunny side of all things woman held my attention. Wow, what amazing experiences. Intrigued, I found that I could not turn the channel. But, what was this raw feeling creeping up from the pit of my stomach to my throat? Anger, jealousy, bitterness, hopelessness? Anger, jealousy, bitterness, hopelessness, um No and no and no! In that moment, I was challenged. It was almost as if, Liz turned to the camera, looked me in the eye and double dared me to go and discover. Inaudibly, I argued 'yeah but you went to Italy, Bali and India...that's huge and far and bigger than life'. Some time later, she replied (via audio book):

"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings."

This quote spoke to me. It re-ignited my passion for travel, my desire to soak up global cultures and my quest to blossom into my best self. There is something powerful about listening to an author read her work. Each moment was told with so much vivid emotion, I felt like I was there. A sign of a great author I guess.... the ability to transport your readers through time and space.

As I shared in my previous blog, my desire to experience South Africa began about 25 years ago. Several times over the course of my life, gentle reminders would breeze by and fan the flame. None as powerful of course as crossing paths with a now dear friend. He, pretty much single-handedly, changed all of my pre-conceived notions about Africa, Apartheid and my (in)ability to drive a manual car on the opposite side of the road, using my left hand to shift. Four years ago, I planned to visit this friend in Johannesburg but, things just didn't work out. My trip was postponed. 

Another significant event happened during a customer service training. The presenter was from SA. Listening to her, I decided that one day, I would go to Capetown and have a moment with God on the beach. I could already feel what it was going to be like. Sunny day, nice breeze, overwhelming presence of Spirit and me, in my most prayerful state ever. Yep, that was my plan. So time progressed. Neatly tucked away, I kept this South African dream alive in my heart.

Fast forward to a few months ago. In the midst of settling on dates for a Spring 2011 trip to Paris, France, I posted the following Janos Arany quote on Facebook: "In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities". A response to this posting was all it took. I will never stop being amazed by the power of words and technology. Suddenly, and I mean that literally, I found myself researching, confirming and booking a trip to Africa. It seemed to come out of nowhere, kind of random but, I know better than that. Once, I received my confirmation email from KLM Airlines, I thought about a line of poetry quoted in Eat, Pray, Love. You remember, the book, I avoided.

"God long ago drew a circle in the sand exactly around the spot where you are standing right now". Gilbert continues by writing "I was never not coming here. This was never not going to happen". Like the proverbial ton of bricks, it hit me, I was always coming here. Long before, I planned it. Experiencing South Africa is part of my journey.

So here I am, sitting on the left hand(passenger) side of my friend's car, staring out at the ocean on my way to an undisclosed location. We are actually driving on the tip of Africa!!!! I am so fully present, that I try to think if there is somewhere else in the world I would rather be and nope...nowhere. This is it. We arrive. African Penguins (yes, real live) witness our trek down the pathway to Boulder's Beach. I am staring out to the Atlantic, mesmerized by the beauty of the Cape. How serene and surreal. I stand alone.

I am thrilled, overjoyed, and bewildered because I also feel sad. Yes, sad, you know, the opposite of happy. Please don't be mislead in thinking that an incredible trip is solely comprised of everything going my way. Life is forged by push and pull. Truthfully, I began feeling engulfed by a gray cloud. Aren't emotions funny? I mustered up all of my usual positive self talk. Didn't work. Tried to pin point the source of the sadness. Got nothing! My solution was to return to my happy place through prayer. Yes, that's it. This will be that great spiritual moment I have longed for. Crickets! You know that silence illustrated in movies...just me and crickets. I felt cheated. Where is my pre-planned, mind altering, Moses, Abraham, and Isaac experience? Internally, I'm so confused. Externally, I have successfully (I think) maintained my game face. We move on to the next destination. Which for the record, blew me away. But, that is another post for another time.

I flew back to America still unable to understand why I would travel thousands of miles to my dream vacation which seemed more like my homeland, and not have this great spiritual encounter. UNTIL(pause for dramatics sake)....I read the April issue of O Magazine this week. Out of habit, I skipped to my favorite feature 'What I Know For Sure'. Which can always be found at the end. This month's theme is on poetry. While sitting at a beautiful location on the island of Fiji, Oprah sends an email to a poet friend inquiring about the inspiration for his work. Mark Nepo's response is priceless and changed my perspective.


You Ask About Poetry
You ask from an island so far away
it remains unspoiled. To walk quietly
till the miracle in everything speaks
is poetry. You want to look for poetry
in your soul and in everyday life, as you
search for stones on the beach. Four
thousand miles away, as the sun ices
the snow, I smile. For in this moment,
you are the poem. After years of looking,
I can only say that searching for
small things worn by the deep is
the art of poetry. But listening
to what they say is the poem. 

There I was standing on the tip of Africa, in the presence of Almighty God and a man who revolutionized my perception of the world. My hope is that you grasp the power of those words. Go back and read it again if necessary.

That was my great spiritual moment. That was the manifestation of my prayer, of my faith and my dream. Me, standing on the edge, was the manifestation. Though at the time, I did not recognize, my prayers were answered in such a profound way. And now I will be eternally grateful. I will always remember what it feels like to be the prayer and the poem.  

Cheers,
J~