Reinventing Me

True Confessions, remember that show? Well, here is my chance to come clean. I have a terrible habit of starting and stopping just about everything. There, I said it. Now it is out there for the world to know. What's that line? The first step towards fixing the problem is admitting you have one. I don't know, something like that. I am the self-appointed queen of the "paraphrase".

So anyway, let's cut to the chase. I've been inspired to blog again. To pick up the pen and put it to paper or rather open up my laptop and stroke some keys. I love expressing myself, always have. Just ask my parents who patiently listened, or at least pretended to, as I expounded on how to correct all of the ills of my siblings, our neighborhood and of course the world. My favorite topic to talk about you ask? Even if you didn't, I am going to tell you. Love! I mean what else is there really? Somewhere and somehow, everything boils down to Love. And love involves relationship whether that be with oneself, your sister, your mother or that object of your affection who either may or may not know you exist.

I have a story, stories to tell about my adventures with love, relationships, heartbreak, sorrow and joy. I have had moments where I felt I could never break free from the grips of perpetual aloneness. And I have had times of a joy so pure, I was sure I had seen the opening of Heaven. All of these experiences were always tied to love and relationship.

Here, today, this 3rd day of August in the year of our Lord two thousand and thirteen, I recommit myself to sharing my heart, thoughts, ramblings with all of you. Yes, it did require me to go formal with the year and all of that jazz mostly because I want it to be official and legitimate. Hmmm, I wonder if there is some deep seeded issue under all of that need to validate myself? I'll ponder that later.

Welcome to my blog, aptly titled "jodi's joy" because if one thing I have learned in my 41 years of life, we can not know true joy unless we are familiar with it's opposite.  I am grateful today. Grateful for the opportunity to begin again. Thanks for accompanying me on this journey, pull up a chair, subscribe so you don't miss one juicy detail and tell a friend. Oh and you may want to buckle up your seatbelt because through all of this love, heartbreak, joy stuff, I am developing an incredible courage to tell the truth, the whole truth,  and nothing but the truth, so help me God. And that my friends, is down right, hard core, scary liberating!!

Wishing you joy,

Jodi

Grow up lover girl

Let me introduce myself. I am the woman who all of my friends contact for advice. I am the sounding board, the voice of reason, the go to girl! Let me qualify that statement with this one: I am the lady with the answers to pretty much every thing except L O V E well, at least my own love life!

During a recent conversation with a very good friend I shared "When it comes to romance, I swear I am kindergarten!". She giggled but, didn't disagree.

How did I get so inept at something that comes so naturally to just about everyone else on the planet? Good question. However, the better question is this, how do I graduate and move forward?

In Kindergarten, you learn the basics, letter and number recognition, beginning phonics and the art of making friends. This is where foundation is laid for everything else you are taught in life. It was scary entering Kindergarten but, it was just as scary exiting and graduating to big kid world. No more separate play ground, no more half day schedule and no more tracing letters. Welcome to the big time Kid. But I did it. I made it through. I took a chance and I passed. Over and over again, grade after grade, I passed!

Okay so I am more like a grade school drop out when it comes to love. That's it! Somewhere along my love life path, I quit. I gave up. I decided that it was easier to remain in the land of "See Jane run" rather than open myself, push myself to explore beyond my comfort zone.

Today a very good friend of mine said to me "How come you are always giving advice to everyone else on their love life but, you don't apply any of it to yourself?". I just sat there. I heard her. I stared blankly at nothing. She took that as an invitation to continue. "Jodi, we are all scared. We all had to take a risk, take the plunge and hope for the best. This is just ridiculous now. Why are you choosing to stay single?".

In that moment I thought of one my favorite movie lines of all time from
The Wedding Date (go figure):

"When you are ready to be unsingle and unmiserable you will. Till then...".

Oh this line is brilliant! When I am ready to graduate and move forward, I will.

Welcome to my blog. Some of you may be loyal readers others may be brand new. Whomever you are, wherever you are...Welcome! I do hope you enjoy the ride!

Peace and Bliss,
Jodi

My compartmentalized life

My first Attempt at Bento

Years ago, about 26 to be exact, I became fascinated with Bento Boxes. The Japanese lunch containers which keep food items separated, proportioned and neatly packaged intrigued me. How could food look so cute and be so delicious? Wow! In recent years, I began collecting all sorts of shapes and sizes with the intention of one day mastering the art (and truly it is) of the bento. I learned that the authentic containers were sized according to gender. The boxes were designated for portion control for either men or women.

Isn't it amazing how ordinary things can be made beautiful?

As I prepared the food, cutting, rolling, sprinkling I found myself enjoying the attention to detail. I carefully filled the little pink sauce containers, arranged the items as they spoke to me, covered the container and placed it in my refrigerator for the next day's lunch. I was obviously was so proud of this accomplishment that I took a picture of it! I left my kitchen with a sense of satisfaction of how neatly organized a meal can be. Everything in it's place.

As I laid in my bed that night, I thought about the angle I would use in my Real Woman Real Food Blog. This is a photo of food so surely it belongs in my separate blog pertaining to exercise and food choices. Wait, why am I writing three, yes 3 different blogs? Originally, I think my logic had something to do with separating my life into different parts, somehow believing that one area is not related nor does it influence the other. Somewhere along my life's time line, I learned that my fitness, my spirituality, my motherhood, my likes and my romantic relationships were separate. I managed to compartmentalize my life.

Now I see things a bit differently. 

The areas in which I feel accomplished such as education, socializing, my ability to communicate, I bring to the forefront of my personality. I proudly display these strengths like enlarged family photos in the entry way of a home. My other traits which have remained slightly underdeveloped most likely from under use, I keep carefully wrapped and hidden in the attic or the basement depending on my mood. Occasionally, I may dust them off and try them on for nostalgia's sake like an old pair of metal roller skates.

One area I actually purposefully strive to keep hidden, separated and under wraps is my romantic life. The WHY of that will be explored in another post at a later time. I am not sure I am ready to deal with the emotions attached to why. So, I will begin with describing the what. Inspite of not getting the results that I want, I find a strange sense of comfort in remaining "safe" behind my walls. I am the woman who will find a reason, albeit subconsciously (most of the time) to keep love blocked from life.  It may have seemed obvious to some of you that know me but, I just learned this about myself. Verbally, if asked, I could articulately describe the type of relationship I desire and the characteristics that I find most attractive. However, when what is in my head moves to real life, it's a whole different story. 

Just so I know there will not be any cross contamination in my neatly compartmentalized life, I make most men my best friend. I remove all possibility of romance as I elect to be and convince them that I am prepared to be his life coach, his cheerleader, or his therapist! But please oh please sir, do not make this uncomfortable by hinting at any type of romantic interest. Do I want to be alone for the rest of my life? Um no! Is this kind of crazy(used very loosely)? Um yes!

We can easily surmise that I separate love because it feels safer, it keeps me protected from the possibility of being hurt, it's the result of divorce or little girls who aren't raised by their natural fathers. It could be all of those things or none of those things. At one time, I was so burdened with figuring out the WHY that I went to counseling. After a very teary and difficult sharing of my love blockage, I waited for the therapist to give me psychological permission to blame my ex-husband, my father or my mother. That would make me feel better right? The blame must lie somewhere. There has to be some source of this issue. Instead, she looked me in the eye and matter of factly stated, "I am not so much interested in exploring why you have the walls but rather, why you suddenly are aware that you no longer need them." 

Wishing you a life filled with love and bliss,

Jodi

On the edge...My second lesson on my South African journey

For years, I avoided reading Eat, Pray, Love. I remember watching the author, Elizabeth Gilbert, share herstory on Oprah. Wavering between transfixed silence and cool irritation, I listened. No doubt, this world travellin', higher self seekin', lookin' for the sunny side of all things woman held my attention. Wow, what amazing experiences. Intrigued, I found that I could not turn the channel. But, what was this raw feeling creeping up from the pit of my stomach to my throat? Anger, jealousy, bitterness, hopelessness? Anger, jealousy, bitterness, hopelessness, um No and no and no! In that moment, I was challenged. It was almost as if, Liz turned to the camera, looked me in the eye and double dared me to go and discover. Inaudibly, I argued 'yeah but you went to Italy, Bali and India...that's huge and far and bigger than life'. Some time later, she replied (via audio book):

"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings."

This quote spoke to me. It re-ignited my passion for travel, my desire to soak up global cultures and my quest to blossom into my best self. There is something powerful about listening to an author read her work. Each moment was told with so much vivid emotion, I felt like I was there. A sign of a great author I guess.... the ability to transport your readers through time and space.

As I shared in my previous blog, my desire to experience South Africa began about 25 years ago. Several times over the course of my life, gentle reminders would breeze by and fan the flame. None as powerful of course as crossing paths with a now dear friend. He, pretty much single-handedly, changed all of my pre-conceived notions about Africa, Apartheid and my (in)ability to drive a manual car on the opposite side of the road, using my left hand to shift. Four years ago, I planned to visit this friend in Johannesburg but, things just didn't work out. My trip was postponed. 

Another significant event happened during a customer service training. The presenter was from SA. Listening to her, I decided that one day, I would go to Capetown and have a moment with God on the beach. I could already feel what it was going to be like. Sunny day, nice breeze, overwhelming presence of Spirit and me, in my most prayerful state ever. Yep, that was my plan. So time progressed. Neatly tucked away, I kept this South African dream alive in my heart.

Fast forward to a few months ago. In the midst of settling on dates for a Spring 2011 trip to Paris, France, I posted the following Janos Arany quote on Facebook: "In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities". A response to this posting was all it took. I will never stop being amazed by the power of words and technology. Suddenly, and I mean that literally, I found myself researching, confirming and booking a trip to Africa. It seemed to come out of nowhere, kind of random but, I know better than that. Once, I received my confirmation email from KLM Airlines, I thought about a line of poetry quoted in Eat, Pray, Love. You remember, the book, I avoided.

"God long ago drew a circle in the sand exactly around the spot where you are standing right now". Gilbert continues by writing "I was never not coming here. This was never not going to happen". Like the proverbial ton of bricks, it hit me, I was always coming here. Long before, I planned it. Experiencing South Africa is part of my journey.

So here I am, sitting on the left hand(passenger) side of my friend's car, staring out at the ocean on my way to an undisclosed location. We are actually driving on the tip of Africa!!!! I am so fully present, that I try to think if there is somewhere else in the world I would rather be and nope...nowhere. This is it. We arrive. African Penguins (yes, real live) witness our trek down the pathway to Boulder's Beach. I am staring out to the Atlantic, mesmerized by the beauty of the Cape. How serene and surreal. I stand alone.

I am thrilled, overjoyed, and bewildered because I also feel sad. Yes, sad, you know, the opposite of happy. Please don't be mislead in thinking that an incredible trip is solely comprised of everything going my way. Life is forged by push and pull. Truthfully, I began feeling engulfed by a gray cloud. Aren't emotions funny? I mustered up all of my usual positive self talk. Didn't work. Tried to pin point the source of the sadness. Got nothing! My solution was to return to my happy place through prayer. Yes, that's it. This will be that great spiritual moment I have longed for. Crickets! You know that silence illustrated in movies...just me and crickets. I felt cheated. Where is my pre-planned, mind altering, Moses, Abraham, and Isaac experience? Internally, I'm so confused. Externally, I have successfully (I think) maintained my game face. We move on to the next destination. Which for the record, blew me away. But, that is another post for another time.

I flew back to America still unable to understand why I would travel thousands of miles to my dream vacation which seemed more like my homeland, and not have this great spiritual encounter. UNTIL(pause for dramatics sake)....I read the April issue of O Magazine this week. Out of habit, I skipped to my favorite feature 'What I Know For Sure'. Which can always be found at the end. This month's theme is on poetry. While sitting at a beautiful location on the island of Fiji, Oprah sends an email to a poet friend inquiring about the inspiration for his work. Mark Nepo's response is priceless and changed my perspective.


You Ask About Poetry
You ask from an island so far away
it remains unspoiled. To walk quietly
till the miracle in everything speaks
is poetry. You want to look for poetry
in your soul and in everyday life, as you
search for stones on the beach. Four
thousand miles away, as the sun ices
the snow, I smile. For in this moment,
you are the poem. After years of looking,
I can only say that searching for
small things worn by the deep is
the art of poetry. But listening
to what they say is the poem. 

There I was standing on the tip of Africa, in the presence of Almighty God and a man who revolutionized my perception of the world. My hope is that you grasp the power of those words. Go back and read it again if necessary.

That was my great spiritual moment. That was the manifestation of my prayer, of my faith and my dream. Me, standing on the edge, was the manifestation. Though at the time, I did not recognize, my prayers were answered in such a profound way. And now I will be eternally grateful. I will always remember what it feels like to be the prayer and the poem.  

Cheers,
J~

In an unguarded moment...

Unfortunately, I subconsciously began censoring myself in my last few posts and I can feel/tell/sense the difference. A very good friend of mine recently made her blog private and I struggled with deciding to do the same. Tossing the pros and cons over in my mind for several days, I concluded that God gave me a voice for a reason. No one else can feel/tell/sense my world as I do. It is therefore my right and my duty to share as I experience life around me. However, I also reserve the right at any moment to make this a "By Invitation Only" blog. If I so choose.

While listening to Elizabeth Gilbert's, Eat, Pray, Love on audiobook, I chuckled to myself. The author tells this story:

I walked into an office building one afternoon in a hurry, dashed into the waiting elevator. As I rushed in, I caught an unexpected glance of myself in a security mirror’s reflection. In that moment, my brain did an odd thing—it fired off this split-second message: “Hey! You know her! That’s a friend of yours!” And I actually ran forward toward my own reflection with a smile, ready to welcome that girl whose name I had lost but whose face was so familiar. In a flash instant of course, I realized my mistake and laughed in embarrassment at my almost doglike confusion over how a mirror works. But for some reason that incident comes to mind again tonight during my sadness in Rome, and I find myself writing this comforting reminder at the bottom of the page.

Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a FRIEND… 

I listened to this part of the CD over and over again until I could taste this moment. I saw myself there with her in that elevator occupying my neatly carved 3 feet of distance from any other human. It's funny how we have become as a society so full of contradictions, enigmas and fears yet longing to feel significant and understood. We may avoid all eye contact with our fellow elevator riders while Tweeting that we're in an elevator to our loyal "followers". Strange. We can communicate at the speed of light through electronic devices but rarely speak in passing. We have become guarded even almost fearful of each other and sadly of ourselves. Constantly connected to the world wide web yet completely disconnected. 

At the beginning of this year, some friends and I saw the romantic comedy It's Complicated. Some comedy, I cried...I mean from the depths of my soul, pit of my stomach, snot from my nose (sorry for the visual) no longer can see type of cry. What is going on with you Jodi? You should be laughing. And to make matters worse, I have no real clue why I'm crying. It's so bad that we're walking to the car AFTER the movie and I start crying again because I can feel something stirring  within but can not express it. By now my friends are looking at me like I am absolutely certifiable. But in that moment, I no longer care..I am completely unguarded. I am no longer  Ms. in control, update with the perfect quote, censor my blog Jodi. I am just...raw and real and hurting and frustrated and tired and through with it all. What all? Did I say all? Think I actually meant WALL...Yes, that's it. I am done with the Wall.


The wall metaphor needs no introduction as I can only assume that most of you are familiar with what I mean but, please bear with me as I bare my soul. Unguarded. My divorce left a gaping hole in my heart which over the past ten years I have covered with my relentless participation in self-help, fix-it, control freak and fearful behaviors. I became in charge of myself and my emotions. There was no task too great nor too small that I could not handle. My mission was to make sure that I kept the key to my heart safely tucked away least someone take me for granted again. Up went my guard and down went my chances to truly experience life as I should. 


In the midst of my Complicated tears, I got a phone call from a friend. I began sharing my woes and she told me to Google this certain book which led to two other books, which led to a blog on femininity which now has me writing this post after midnight on a Tuesday. Not even sleep deprivation can pull me away from sharing my heart at this moment. This new found knowledge is transforming the way I dress, talk, act and walk. The more I learn, the more I apply, the more free I become. Oh, how I love how all of this works.  I am becoming. And my once guarded heart is now slowly opening.. again. Am I scared? Um yes, scared of never blossoming into the woman I was created to be. Either the wall must come down or I'm scaling it. Staying prisoner is not an option.


I was visiting a friend recently and noticed some beautiful photos on the wall. Generations of a family on display for all who care to see. I mean really See. Black and whites, color, sepia, glossy and matte pictures spanning decades each a story within Their story. Standing in front of this living art, I thought of Alex Haley's quote "In every conceivable manner, the family is link to our past, bridge to our future". I became captivated by one photo in particular. I actually got a bit teary eyed; which this friend probably did not know until now. Unguarded remember. The photo is of their mother (from my perspective) even though her husband and two children are in the background. This picture is a black and white and must have been taken around the early 60's. It is the look, well more specifically the soul, within her eyes which mesmerized me. This woman completely owned her femininity...transparent, self assured, gracious, beautiful, strong and deeply rooted. She had life in her eyes. A quality few women will ever really know. And in that moment, I understood the power of giving and receiving love. I understood while standing in front of this photo in my friend's home why I could no longer walk around with a gaping hole in my heart. Liberating. This woman was treasured and confident in love and it showed. It reminded me of my own mother as captured by my good friend Fre.

I will never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, when I was about 16 years old, I had a similar experience to Elizabeth Gilbert. I remember feeling awkward, unattractive maybe like a typical teenager. While shopping with my mom and sisters at the mall, I saw this stunning young lady..so stunning in fact that I tried to get my family's attention so they could see her too. When I turned back, I realized I was looking at a mirrored column. Shocked, taken aback, and freaked out by this weird fact, I simply turned away and rejoined my family. About a month ago during an unguarded moment, I shared this story with my mom for the very first time. That same week I hosted a re-coming out party for a woman who decided to reclaim her femininity. She asked me for a mantra to help her build up the nerve to embrace her rediscovered self. I wrote the following on a card which she posted:


Never forget that once upon a time in an unguarded moment, you saw yourself as beautiful. Your challenge should you choose to accept is to: change your mind about yourself!

Love,
Jodi