On the edge...My second lesson on my South African journey

For years, I avoided reading Eat, Pray, Love. I remember watching the author, Elizabeth Gilbert, share herstory on Oprah. Wavering between transfixed silence and cool irritation, I listened. No doubt, this world travellin', higher self seekin', lookin' for the sunny side of all things woman held my attention. Wow, what amazing experiences. Intrigued, I found that I could not turn the channel. But, what was this raw feeling creeping up from the pit of my stomach to my throat? Anger, jealousy, bitterness, hopelessness? Anger, jealousy, bitterness, hopelessness, um No and no and no! In that moment, I was challenged. It was almost as if, Liz turned to the camera, looked me in the eye and double dared me to go and discover. Inaudibly, I argued 'yeah but you went to Italy, Bali and India...that's huge and far and bigger than life'. Some time later, she replied (via audio book):

"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings."

This quote spoke to me. It re-ignited my passion for travel, my desire to soak up global cultures and my quest to blossom into my best self. There is something powerful about listening to an author read her work. Each moment was told with so much vivid emotion, I felt like I was there. A sign of a great author I guess.... the ability to transport your readers through time and space.

As I shared in my previous blog, my desire to experience South Africa began about 25 years ago. Several times over the course of my life, gentle reminders would breeze by and fan the flame. None as powerful of course as crossing paths with a now dear friend. He, pretty much single-handedly, changed all of my pre-conceived notions about Africa, Apartheid and my (in)ability to drive a manual car on the opposite side of the road, using my left hand to shift. Four years ago, I planned to visit this friend in Johannesburg but, things just didn't work out. My trip was postponed. 

Another significant event happened during a customer service training. The presenter was from SA. Listening to her, I decided that one day, I would go to Capetown and have a moment with God on the beach. I could already feel what it was going to be like. Sunny day, nice breeze, overwhelming presence of Spirit and me, in my most prayerful state ever. Yep, that was my plan. So time progressed. Neatly tucked away, I kept this South African dream alive in my heart.

Fast forward to a few months ago. In the midst of settling on dates for a Spring 2011 trip to Paris, France, I posted the following Janos Arany quote on Facebook: "In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities". A response to this posting was all it took. I will never stop being amazed by the power of words and technology. Suddenly, and I mean that literally, I found myself researching, confirming and booking a trip to Africa. It seemed to come out of nowhere, kind of random but, I know better than that. Once, I received my confirmation email from KLM Airlines, I thought about a line of poetry quoted in Eat, Pray, Love. You remember, the book, I avoided.

"God long ago drew a circle in the sand exactly around the spot where you are standing right now". Gilbert continues by writing "I was never not coming here. This was never not going to happen". Like the proverbial ton of bricks, it hit me, I was always coming here. Long before, I planned it. Experiencing South Africa is part of my journey.

So here I am, sitting on the left hand(passenger) side of my friend's car, staring out at the ocean on my way to an undisclosed location. We are actually driving on the tip of Africa!!!! I am so fully present, that I try to think if there is somewhere else in the world I would rather be and nope...nowhere. This is it. We arrive. African Penguins (yes, real live) witness our trek down the pathway to Boulder's Beach. I am staring out to the Atlantic, mesmerized by the beauty of the Cape. How serene and surreal. I stand alone.

I am thrilled, overjoyed, and bewildered because I also feel sad. Yes, sad, you know, the opposite of happy. Please don't be mislead in thinking that an incredible trip is solely comprised of everything going my way. Life is forged by push and pull. Truthfully, I began feeling engulfed by a gray cloud. Aren't emotions funny? I mustered up all of my usual positive self talk. Didn't work. Tried to pin point the source of the sadness. Got nothing! My solution was to return to my happy place through prayer. Yes, that's it. This will be that great spiritual moment I have longed for. Crickets! You know that silence illustrated in movies...just me and crickets. I felt cheated. Where is my pre-planned, mind altering, Moses, Abraham, and Isaac experience? Internally, I'm so confused. Externally, I have successfully (I think) maintained my game face. We move on to the next destination. Which for the record, blew me away. But, that is another post for another time.

I flew back to America still unable to understand why I would travel thousands of miles to my dream vacation which seemed more like my homeland, and not have this great spiritual encounter. UNTIL(pause for dramatics sake)....I read the April issue of O Magazine this week. Out of habit, I skipped to my favorite feature 'What I Know For Sure'. Which can always be found at the end. This month's theme is on poetry. While sitting at a beautiful location on the island of Fiji, Oprah sends an email to a poet friend inquiring about the inspiration for his work. Mark Nepo's response is priceless and changed my perspective.


You Ask About Poetry
You ask from an island so far away
it remains unspoiled. To walk quietly
till the miracle in everything speaks
is poetry. You want to look for poetry
in your soul and in everyday life, as you
search for stones on the beach. Four
thousand miles away, as the sun ices
the snow, I smile. For in this moment,
you are the poem. After years of looking,
I can only say that searching for
small things worn by the deep is
the art of poetry. But listening
to what they say is the poem. 

There I was standing on the tip of Africa, in the presence of Almighty God and a man who revolutionized my perception of the world. My hope is that you grasp the power of those words. Go back and read it again if necessary.

That was my great spiritual moment. That was the manifestation of my prayer, of my faith and my dream. Me, standing on the edge, was the manifestation. Though at the time, I did not recognize, my prayers were answered in such a profound way. And now I will be eternally grateful. I will always remember what it feels like to be the prayer and the poem.  

Cheers,
J~

This Little Light of Mine...

Vintage Poster Prints

So, I have done some major slacking on my writing. I nearly choked when I noticed that my last posting was in September..Yikes!!!! Isn't it funny how something which brings us so much joy, gets lost in the shuffle of busy-ness!?
I discovered or rather uncovered something about myself since that last post. Oh, who am I kidding, I have probably had 2,765 Aha moments since September. I live in my head...analyzing..reanalyzing....what if'ing and picking things apart. Tired of spending brain power on how to combat this tendency, I learned to embrace it and came to the very sophisticated conclusion of..."that's just how I roll"! Funny or rather cliche as it seems, it took replacing a burnt out light bulb to get me to this point. Let me explain.
I lived nearly 4 months in partial light. 2 out of 3 of the sconce fixtures in my bedroom burned out on the same day. I asked my son to scale the armoire and attempt to replace the bulbs (the position of my furniture blocked the fixtures... somewhat). He could not or maybe he would not oblige me. So I accepted my partial darkness. Admittedly, this was a nuisance (at first) but, there is something about the human spirit which quickly learns to adjust. I learned to maneuver quite well with little light. Soon I even forgot I was in darkness. 

Image from Wall Paper Stock

A few weeks ago, while cleaning my bedroom, I pondered what would be my next life move. Should I plan a trip, prepare for my next promotion, return to a university for a Master's Degree, check my Facebook, search for my USB cord?...Oh just stop it already! Stay focused on the task at hand. And in the midst of this self-talk, I noticed a small metal folding chair in the corner of the room. Quickly, I grabbed the chair and two new light bulbs. I swapped the old for the new. And that was it. After months in the darkness, it suddenly became so easy so clear..or so clearly easy. Why did I not think of this before?
As I discarded that which was no longer useful, I chuckled at how simple it was to change. I opted to remain in darkness for months. I actually readjusted my lifestyle around the partial light. But now I see.
I realized something about myself during this "Let there be Light" moment. My inability to see manageable solutions often causes a paralysis. As my mind churns the ideas of planning a fabulous vacation or redecorating my room and if I can not develop a successful logical means of making it happen, I let it go. I don't completely let it go, I mean I tend to let it go in a place it on the back burner sort of way. Now, for anyone who truly knows me, they know that once I make up my mind, I move to action. It's the pre- once I make up my mind part that often leaves me at a standstill.

Colored Flames

Well, it no longer serves me to think this way. I choose to open myself up to possibilities. And even when it makes no real logical sense or I don't have everything or everyone all figured out, I will make some kind of move. I will trust myself more. I will continue to become all of myself by leaving behind unproductive thoughts. And even if I do not succeed at all to which I put my hands, I will remember that failure is only when I choose not to try again. Above all else, I will remember that it is my responsibility and privilege to allow my light to shine.
May you come to a brilliant understanding of your beauty and gifts. And may you use them wisely and generously.

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.

~Thoreau

Air France

Blessings and Peace,
Jodi