Dear Diary....

This is a difficult post to write. Maybe thoughts like this belong in a diary rather than in a blog. Are they so private and vulnerable that sharing them here may mean that you will learn to much about my personal life? But what about the countless people pondering these very same thoughts while feeling completely alone. Maybe my willingness to share well help someone else?

I've had this addiction to Hallmark Holiday movies this season. Not sure if it's my love of the holidays or the fact that I am a romantic at heart that causes me to spend hours watching. I sometimes think it may be the fact that in 1 hour and about 36 minutes give or take a few commercials, guy meets girl, something quirky happens and at the end, they live happily ever after. Holiday Romance is dreamy.

I often wish my love life could be set straight in 1 hour and 36 minutes. Love can be complicated at times. Our hearts and our heads war with each other. We wonder whether we are making the right choice. And rightfully so, what decision is more important than choosing a mate? Have I become so fearful that I use the whole "not settling" thing as a security blanket? I wonder if my needs can be met in a way that feels more right to me? Or have I complicated relationships to the point of no return? Oh the deep questions of love! Don't worry, I usually take a nap when my solitary head games too far. I usually find solace in the fact that in time, definitely longer than in 1 hour and 36 minutes, I'll find my way.

For now, I'm going to live by Brene Brown's words of wisdom from her recent blog post,I’ve decided to find my holiday magic in the mess; to practice love and gratitude with the special group of folks who keep showing up and loving me, not despite my vulnerabilities, but because of them."!

Life and love can be messy. I believe they are best practiced one moment at a time.

J~

Merry Christmas 2013

It is early Christmas morning. The house is still, dark and quiet. I appreciate these times. My son is nearly 18, there is no more rushing downstairs first thing in the morning to tear open packages. The season has changed.

So as I type in my darkened room, I am reflecting on the high and lows, sadness and joys, traditions and changes of 2013.

Have you ever played the high/low game? It is often played around the family dinner table. Each member takes a turn sharing the high and the low of that day.
The exercise fosters great discussions, creates meaningful connections and allows parents to keep their finger on the heartbeat of their children.

Let's play! Here are my highs and lows of 2013. Starting with my lows because I like ending on a high note, no pun intended lol!

Lows:
1. Experienced some moments early in the year where I felt a sense of loss and disconnection mainly from myself. 
2. I worried a lot about how this bill would get paid or that need would get met?
3. I held a grudge for several weeks that strained some very important friendships

Highs:
1. Started the year full of expectant hope and I am ending it that same way
2. Committed to exercising regularly. I chose dance as my form of physical activity
3. Read books and started a soul searching book club.
4. Traveled to Louisiana and witnessed a big beautiful Creole wedding
5. Drank good wine while partying with great friends or was that great wine with good friends?
6. Listened to live music including Amazing Grace sung in Choctaw
7. Surrounded myself with brilliantly bright souls who inspire me
8. Laughed...a lot,  and cried some (I love a good cry)
9. Captured sunrises and sunsets, trees and oceans
10. Celebrated births
11. Coordinated a family trip to Vegas
12. Sipped tea
13. Brewed pots of fresh coffee nearly everyday week day for my coworkers
14. Made new friends including one I have enjoyed dating
15. Learned to make my Nana's bread pudding
16. Hosted tea parties for my nieces
17. Lost weight (speaking of which, I need to watch these holiday cookies and get back to dance)
18. Developed a new appreciation for my natural curls
19. Hosted dinner parties
20. Thanked God every time a bill was paid and the needs were met.
21. Experienced a deeper level of joy and contentment in my life once I decided that self-love rather than self-criticism would be my lens
22. Forgave others and myself so that I can live at peace
23. Began planning some 2014 getaways
24. Became active on Twitter which revolutionized my life. Even got retweeted by Oprah...twice!
And one of my greatest highs of 2013 is the decision I made just a few short weeks ago to...
25. Revamp, refresh, restart, renew my blog. I connect through words. Writing is my therapy, my outlet, my creativity, my joy and my passion!

Thankful for this year. Thankful for all of you. Looking forward to a beautifully blessed New Year!

Nachitoches, Louisiana

Merry Christmas and remember for every low, you will experience multiple highs!

J~

Weeknight reflection

Just thought I'd share a quick note with you. Life can be completely overwhelming at times. Between the bills, parenting, work and the holidays, it can absolutely feel like at any moment the world will fall if it's axis. As I drove home tonight after a very long day I looked up to the sky pleading with all of Heaven to send immediate reprieve. I could only think of was one verse. "The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want". I repeated it over and over for about 8 miles. I repeated it until I actually believed what I have recited 100's of times.

After stopping at the grocery store, I walked into the house, kicked off my heels and quickly made dinner. Kitchen half way cleaned, laundry still unfolded on the love seat, I decide to sit down. 

Life gets crazy hectic at times. Sometimes I just want to keep driving that 15 freeway North and hideout in a cool, dark hotel room and just sleep for three or four days. But, what I know for sure is that somehow, someway. God comes in and restores my soul even in the midst of the storm. 

I'm just gonna lay here in my nearly dark living room and cast my cares on Him because He cares for me.

God bless,

J~

A little Christmas Faith

I spent some time with my 84 year old grandma this Thanksgiving Holiday. My plan was to get there a day in advance to assist her with any preparations for the big day. Trust me when I confide in you that my intentions were pure. However, after working all day Wednesday, making the 2 hour drive in pockets of rush hour/oops I forgot cranberry sauce traffic, I felt simply exhausted.

I wake up early everyday. I am out of the house by 6:15 in the morning. So you can imagine my surprise when I looked at the night stand alarm clock. 8:45 am, what the what? I forgot about the healing powers of this house, the fresh linens, home made food and a stress free atmosphere lull you into a state of uninterrupted bliss. I jumped out of bed, ran into the kitchen sure to find my early rising Nana. There she was in her robe and slippers, drying dishes. She smiles "good morning, Jodi"! I allow my words to tumble swiftly off my lips. "Oh Nana, sorry I overslept. I came here to help you. What do you need me to do"? She said "sweet potatoes and the dressing are already in the oven". True to form, she gets it done. Her body is slowing down a bit but, day after day, she rises with purpose and strength. She comforted me with words of wisdom reminding me that my body must have needed the rest. I agreed.

Faith Mckenzie

A few hours later, the family arrives to consume a delicious dinner. As we gathered around the television to watch football games, my 1 1/2 year old niece Faith, decided to exercise her legs. Relatively new to walking, she took great pride in circling the loop through the kitchen, into the living room, right past the television and back again. Obviously proud of herself and her talent, she just moved seeming aimless at times but on purpose nonetheless. We watched her fall and then instantly get back up. I absolutely could not count the number of times she fell. We dared not intervene as we all understood that she must develop these muscles on her own.
"Babies are amazing. We could all learn something from them. Look at how determined Faith is. It doesn't matter how many times she falls, she gets up and tries it again", my Nana shared.

Life can get weary, troublesome and overwhelming at times. It may even seem like God is far away and doesn't care. Know in those moments, that you are made for resilience, destined for victory and designed to withstand. I think God sometimes takes the position of doting grandmothers, aunts, parents, He doesn't always immediately intervene because He is allowing us to develop our Faith muscle. Think back to how you overcame insurmountable odds in the past. And then remember the times when you took advantage of a much needed rest in the midst of tribulation in order to rejuvenate. Be encouraged. Christmas is a time of hope. Wishing you peace and joy in all seasons.

"...knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.  But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing". 
~James 1:3-4

I leave you with this speech entitled Man in the Arena by Theodore Roosevelt

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat."
Merry Christmas,
J~

A little Christmas Hope

It all started with a Facebook post by my friend Dawn. There I was, just scrolling along reading remnants of peaceful wishes to Nelson Mandela, selfies and of course the usual photos of puppies and Starbuck's Holiday Drinks when I came across her photo of decorated gingerbread men. Because I could tell the treats were home made I moved my hand to send that almost obligatory sweet gesture of clicking "like". Until I saw how many comments were posted on that photo and thought let me read, fully engage, understand what Dawn is sharing."Ok! Gingerbread Men finished! Now, we're having a contest. Vote please!!! Pick your favorite. #1 starting on the left, #4 being on the right. And the winner DOES get a prize"! Wow, what a fabulous family event. Nothing like a little healthy competition. People actually voted and shared why they favored a particular gingerbread man. For the record, I chose #3 because it's whimsical, creative and has all kinds of craziness going on. :-)
Continuing on my FB journey, I come across a post from my dear friend Freida. She shared how her exhausted husband walked into their home after working really long hours this week to the warm embrace of his three children and their cray cray cat in the Christmas Tree.

I couldn't help but smile as I read these updates. The smile surprisingly came naturally. This is the time where I write my confession so if you're not comfortable with the ugly, messy truth, log out now. I, @jodisjoy, have been struggling with joy this season. Last year at this time, I vowed that Christmas 2013 would be different. I would make regular deposits into my holiday account to ensure that I could create the kind of Christmas I've always dreamed. I didn't plan on talking about or stressing over money as I figure out how to meet the bills and provide gifts for my son. I said that I would refuse to look longingly at the presents my friends' were buying and receiving because next year would be somehow better. Well, it's not quite happening like I envisioned. Isn't life funny that way? Seems to be the norm now, things seem a bit more unpredictable. Life often bullies its way through us like a tornado in the Midwest picking and choosing when and where it wreaks havoc. Maybe you can relate?

 We've all read the stories on how Jesus is the reason for the season and America is going to hell because we've  commercialized and capitalized on His birth. But, I am past the point of cliche feel good stories. No one can hand you joy as well intentioned as they may be. Joy comes from within and as I read those Facebook posts, I knew that I must dive deep, touch bottom and spring forth in gratitude. I took my sorrow, made it and myself a cup of coffee, lit candles, turned on Christmas music and conjured up every ounce of joyful hope within. I swept, scrubbed and mopped my house as my insides were being refreshed by the scents and sounds of the season.
I looked over and saw my tree. Congrats dear reader, you've made it this far in my sharing so you must be able to handle the truth. Brace yourself, here comes another. I rarely purchase a tree. Years of choosing between a tree or just one more present for my son, left our home decoration-less during the holidays. Now, I don't want to give the impression that we are destitute by any means. God has graciously blessed us over the years with more than enough. I just think telling the truth is healing. It bridges the gap and shines the light. I believe when I share wholeheartedly, I am truthfully known. And isn't that the whole point of life? I'm simply sharing my heart with you.

This is my tree.

I accompanied my parents and brother to the store last night and had no intentions of walking out with a tree. My heart lept because just the fact that I was bringing a tree home meant that I did fulfill my goal. I was so overwhelmed in fact that I went to the bathroom and cried. Don't tell my family because I cleaned up my face before I rejoined them. As small of a thing as that may seem, this Christmas is already different than the last. My original plan was not to write this blog until I could show you the tree all nicely decorated but that didn't sit right with me. Life, like my favorite gingerbread man can be whimsical, messy and all kinds of crazy. It may not look like our neighbors', sister's, parents', pastors' but nevertheless, it is ours for the creating.






This is my family

and it is the first time (nearly 18 years) I am allowing myself to not to hide in the over arching safety of my extended family. God has been good to me and my son, gracious, giving, forgiving and loving. He continually gifts us with compassion and strength.

And He has blessed us to be a part of this family...

This year my heart aches for the broken hearted and the downtrodden, for those who lost loved ones and can't seem to make their way back to joy. To those of you I say, keep swimming better yet, turn around and let whatever goodness that comes your way carry you to a brighter day. Like Macy's says...Believe!

J~

La Louisianne

A recent trip to Natchitoches, pronounced /na’-ka-tosh/, hurled me right back into a longing for all things Louisiana. I have come to believe that there is something in the land, the air or maybe even the water that seeps down into the blood stream and no matter how far away one moves, it pulls you back. My family's roots run deep in that land just like the trees lurking down in the Bayou. I am a Cali girl by birth but a Louisianan at heart.

I met new people during that trip. We chit chatted a bit about surnames, parishes and gumbo. Maybe we were just making small talk, you know the way strangers sort of feel each other out. I'd like to think we were similar to artisans at a loom weaving our stories like threads of a tapestry. Somewhere in our intersecting it was suggested we all (mostly unrelated women) take a leap of faith and mass migrate to Louisiana. What? Seriously?

My sister and I returned home excited to present this idea to our parents. We conjured up all the pros we could to convince them to run with the dream. They listened intently with a smiles and said "what about flooding, hurricanes and the humidity?". Our Dad was born in NOLA so we did not feel qualified as Los Angelinas to argue against him. Heck, who doesn't remember the horrors of Katrina? In spite of the fear, the dream remains.

I am a researcher. I love learning, seeking, asking. So I did. I set aside some one on one time with my favorite search engine just to see what's out there. I came across homes that spoke to my soul, sparked creativity and whispered softly of good times to come. I shared my treasures with my family uncertain if the architecture that makes me swoon would even peak their interest. I prepared them by laying out my disclaimer "It's pricey but, this is what I love". My dad's face lit up when he saw the Creole Cottages. What came out of my father's mouth next inspired me in ways I have kept secret until now.

"We can sing one song to pay for that", he exclaimed! I dared not ruin his excitement by responding with some silly remark about how I can't, don't or won't sing. Instead, I thought, what is my song? Or rather, how do I express creativity? He is a musician, that is his talent, so naturally he thinks in melody. The scripture Proverbs 18:16 "Your gift will make room for you. It will bring you before great people" landed gently on my heart. Wow, what a sweet revelation! It is our right, our responsibility to cultivate our gifts. We are all blessed with some ability that we are to generously share with the world. We tend to put down the thing that was designed to create our way and pick up those things that burden our back. It is time for us to take inspiration, motivation and determination by the hand and allow them to lead the way into our bright beautiful futures.

"The caged bird sings with a fearful trill
of things unknown but longed for still
and his tune is heard on the distant hill
for the caged bird sings of freedom.” 

~Maya Angelou

There is an audience for every gift,

J~

Unleashing the greatness within

I'm in a transitional time in my life. I am the parent of a high school Senior. I have no other children. Soon I will no longer be tied to a school district or someone else's schedule. Gently yet swiftly, my life is unfolding right before my eyes. During this season, he and I both have the opportunity to spread our wings a bit further. When the Mama Eagle nudges her baby out of the nest, not only is she encouraging her offspring to fly, she has now liberated herself to take flight. She is free from carrying anyone else.

I'd be lying if I didn't admit it is a bit frightening. But, I do believe that it is the type of scary that naturally accompanies the most wonderful opportunities. I'm glad I'm learning that courage is not the absence of fear but rather, the moving in spite of. So, here I am walking towards an open door wondering where this part of my journey will take me yet, fully confident that life is about to get really good. What are my next steps? What is my plan? 

I woke up this morning from a very interesting dream. I was attending a conference, a sort of book club to discuss Daring Greatly with the author Brene Brown. All manner of craziness also took part in said dream like a child's broom, a reference to a garage door and a rather lively parade in New Orleans. I need more time to make sense of those things. Daring greatly however, speaks to me. I own the book and am currently about half way through. Busyness has caused me to put it down. Guess it's time to pick it back up.

I recently read that sometimes it's not so much what happens in a dream but the feelings we carry during its scenes. I felt hopeful, inspired, creative and on the brink of something really great. Aha, I felt like I was in the throws of Daring Greatly. I am in the arena of my life unsure of what success will come my way yet, inspired by the fact that I am relentlessly participating in the manifestation of my own joy as spoken of in Eat, Pray, Love. I am the Master of my fate, I am the Captain of my soul as Hensley so eloquently states in Invictus. And thus I have no choice but to ponder Mary Oliver's poetic question "Tell me (Jodi, feel free to insert your name), what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”.

For today, only today, in this present moment, my answer is that I will dare to create my bliss, my joy, the life of my dreams. I will show up as my whole self even when my self feels broken and shattered. I will answer life's call with "here I am, choose me. I am willing to dare greatly". Sometimes daring greatly looks like taking my nieces to a tea party, reaching out to a hurting friend, showing up to that art class or dancing with total abandon. Daring greatly is a way to Thanks-live rather than just Thanks-give. Daring Greatly is simply being all of myself.

It means that I show up ready to do the work. Ready to love. Ready to spread joy. Ready to create peace. Daring greatly always begins within.

How will you dare greatly during this Holiday Season? How will you show up in your own life?

Peace and blessings,
J~