The Walking Dead

Let's start at the end and not waste words....

I buried my love life a decade ago

My great-great-great grandfather's grave site (Opelousas, LA)

This will most likely be the most challenging yet honest post I will ever write.

So, this morning started out like any other Sunday. I was finally able to catch Oprah's Soul Sunday. I watched about an hour, got a healthy dose of inspiration and proceeded to get ready for church. I replayed a few conversations in my mind which occurred the day before while styling my hair. I am always amazed when the simple seemingly insignificant moments of life turn your world upside down. I was caught off guard by a statement made. Me, the woman who can usually hold her own when it comes to expressing herself, stood there stumped. Not knowing how to respond, I grabbed for straws, with a really messy attempt at diverting the conversation. I will keep what was said to myself, at least for now. But trust when I say, this threw a wrench in my neatly packaged life.

Heading out the door, I grabbed a water bottle out of the fridge when I heard/felt/thought the following: You have allowed love to die in your life. You closed the book, shut the door, ended that chapter a long time ago. Oh yes, in other areas you live adventurously open to new possibilities, new landscapes, new ideas. But in the romantic love department, you are shut down, a walking zombie. So in true Jodi fashion I begin reasoning with this revelation. Um, how can you say I am closed off? Why would someone who prays for God to send the right person into her life commit romantic murder? I am appalled. This is ridiculous. Stupefied, I just stand there for a minute. I feel the tears welling, I stop them and say "not now, I'm late. This is no time for an Aha moment". Can we say 'control issues'. No need to further reason. 

Photo from Lonely Planet

There is no denying the truth. This revelation built a bridge. Now, I must decide if I am willing to do the work and walk over. I used to make fun of people still dressed in a terribly outdated get up. You know the women still fixated on 1983 hoping to recapture when they felt their sexy best. I just want to yell out "you are invited to join us in 2011"! That was until this morning when I was not so subtly reminded that I am literally stuck in the grief of my disappointment in love. Simultaneously vowing to never get hurt again and convincing myself that I am ready to open my heart, I sit here waiting, talking the talk but surely not walking the walk.

I can normally conclude each post with some great lesson learned. But this journey will be a process. My heart was not disappointed and broken over night so there is a very good chance the healing won't be either. This does not mean that I will stop approaching each day with joy and hope. It just means that I recognize that some things were never meant to be rushed. Somewhere we have learned that time is a bad thing. Microwaves, high speed internet, diet pills and plastic surgery have many of us thinking that everything must happen quickly. 

Photo from Parent Vortex

I am committing to surrendering to the process, to my journey, to the Aha moments. What I know for sure is that weaping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning. This will be a good ride. I trust my guide (the Holy Spirit) and I trust myself. Holding onto the pain of disappointment no longer serves me. Bitterness has no place in my future. Life is too good to just exist in any area. With courage, I will walk boldly into my future. With gratitude, I will LIVE in the moment and experience the joy of each person who crosses my path. And with understanding, I will connect the parts of my past to my happily ever after like stepping stones.

I am not anxious about the work that lies ahead. I think Maya Angelou states it best. “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.” I will not be overwhelmed by what lies ahead. Life is full of twists and turns. Lean with it, learn to bend. I am confident in my strong foundation. My faith will make me whole. 

Quotes I will live by:

“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.” 

“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.”

“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it. ”

Blessings for your journey,

Jodi

Settle in for the Season...

I have not updated this blog in awhile. A lot has happened. A lot has changed, including the season.


Autumn, my favorite time of year is upon us. In years gone by, I made a habit of allowing sadness to take residence during these months. Joy was usually the full time occupant but, I found myself permitting loneliness to sublet. I did not understand the powerful effect of the changing season. The dying to old things to make room for the new. Funny how something you love can also conjure up memories of pain. Circumstances have not changed much but, I have.

I am fully committed to not only embracing each new year with pleasure but also the wisdom that comes with it. Aging does not necessarily make you any more hip to life's lessons. Unfortunately, I have met a few old foolish individuals. I am better than I was and I have hope in the promise of tomorrow.

What I know for sure is this:

1. Starbuck's introduces the most delicious drinks in mid September

2. Becoming comfortable in your skin while continuing to push towards your better self is most necessary. Like the unwillingness to forgive, we can sometimes choose to keep hate alive. We think if I love myself at this weight, or with this struggle it means I am saying "it's okay". Similarly, we may believe that extending an olive branch to someone we feel has betrayed us means that we are saying the offence was OK. This is not so. Forgiving removes blockages. It keeps the portals open for love to flow freely. This does not absolve the individual from taking responsibility for their actions. It does assist you with living your life free of unnecessary baggage and pain. I will allow love to push me towards the new self I am forging rather than hate of what was. My old body, like old hurts have no place in my future. I choose to release them.

3. Scarves and boots have been a part of clothing history for centuries yet every season I look forward to seeing what's hot. Eggplant, dark grey, ruby, chocolate, nutmeg, camel and cinnamon carry multiple meanings for me...smooth and velvety!

4. Love covers a multitude of ills

5. If you have hope, you have everything

6. The love and stability of family keeps me rooted

I assign value and meaning to my life, to my days, to my experiences. I added a 'no subletting' clause to my agreement. My relationship status, bank balance or scale will no longer determine my mood. I am in control of that. God is and always has been in my past, present and future, in Him will I trust. Surrender to the season and prepare for the continued joy to come.

Peace and prosperity,
Jodi

Our deepest fear....

Moyo Restaurant at Spier Winery, South Africa

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us".

This has been a favorite quote of mine for about 7 years. It comes from a book entitled a Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. I am a fan.

Although, I can pretty much repeat this quote verbatim, I didn't get a real understanding of these first two sentences until a few weeks ago.

Over the last year, several co-workers have approached me about re-vamping their look. They often begin with a story about how/when/where/why they "lost" their sense of self including their beauty. While the details differ from woman to woman, the stories have a similar thread. These women usually share that they own dresses but, no longer feel feminine enough or courageous enough or thin enough to wear them. Some ladies say that while others may think they look fine, they don't feel fine. They are seeking something more..a return to self..a return to love. I step in by simply requesting a date for their big reveal. How they choose to express themselves is solely up to them.

In March 2011, a work mate set June 20th as her Diva Reveal Day. Several days before, she asked that I not make a big deal about this. I smiled fully aware that I have yet to meet a woman who gets her hair cut and colored, a new dress and shoes who wants only to be ignored. Moving forward with my plans, I prepared by requesting assistance from others. She walked in to a decorated desk of flowers, banners, a tiara, a card and a gift card for a pedi at the nail spa from her unit. But most importantly, about 15 of us gathered around her cheering and clapping as she strutted her stuff down the row. Beaming with sugar and spice, I saw her blossom before my eyes. She was all full of light and love. She returned to love.

While many people gathered around not everyone understood the power of this moment. The week before the big reveal, a banner was passed for anyone who felt like writing words of encouragement. I was a bit disconcerted that a majority of the well wishers wrote things like "You are beautiful as you are. Don't change. We love you and you are already a star". Now this is a very nice message from genuinely thoughtful individuals. However....it reminded me that sometimes the people we are closes to will not share in our vision of self-growth.

No doubt this woman is an ideal employee, a team player, a sweet spirit and a caring person but, she felt the need for change. She craved change. She stretched herself, challenged herself and mustered up the courage to look insecurity square in the face. She, with full awareness, looked at an area in her own life where she felt inadequate and decided to let go of the fear. She embraced her light. Others around her were nervous for her or was it for themselves...Scared of what she may discover on this journey. They knew her in a certain capacity and they were comfortable with that role. Who would this new woman be? How would they relate to her? And what does her striving for something more reveal about their own feelings of inadequacy. Darkness conceals. Light reveals!

She pressed through and has continued her new look to this day. She walks different, talks different and has encouraged others to break free.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

 Last Sunday after service ended, I was grabbing a cup of coffee when I was cornered approached by one of the elders. She peered at me with her coffee cup near her mouth and said, "Um Jodi, I know you work, you are a single mom and you love to travel but, what are you here to do? What is your purpose"? Now, first let me be completely truthful and admit that I was a bit irritated. What kind of question was that? I wanted to say "why are you just running up on people all willy nilly and asking BIG LIFE QUESTIONS like that"?? But, she spoke to my light. I admit there is some fear keeping me from becoming all of the woman I know I am. I looked this well intentioned woman in the eye and said without falter, "I am here to inspire others to live their best lives. I am here to inspire women and girls in particular to reach for their goals...you know to help bridge the gap between where they are and where they desire to be". There was a pause between us. I stood there maybe waiting for her reaction but thinking yes that's true. That resonates with my spirit. With a wink and a smile, she replies "Uh huh, yes, I know that, get on with it". As I let my own light shine....

 Durban, South Africa: Pier on the Indian Ocean

Blessings for a prosperous Independence Day. Flow in your Freedom!

Robben Island, South Africa: Mandela's Prison

Jodi

On the edge...My second lesson on my South African journey

For years, I avoided reading Eat, Pray, Love. I remember watching the author, Elizabeth Gilbert, share herstory on Oprah. Wavering between transfixed silence and cool irritation, I listened. No doubt, this world travellin', higher self seekin', lookin' for the sunny side of all things woman held my attention. Wow, what amazing experiences. Intrigued, I found that I could not turn the channel. But, what was this raw feeling creeping up from the pit of my stomach to my throat? Anger, jealousy, bitterness, hopelessness? Anger, jealousy, bitterness, hopelessness, um No and no and no! In that moment, I was challenged. It was almost as if, Liz turned to the camera, looked me in the eye and double dared me to go and discover. Inaudibly, I argued 'yeah but you went to Italy, Bali and India...that's huge and far and bigger than life'. Some time later, she replied (via audio book):

"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings."

This quote spoke to me. It re-ignited my passion for travel, my desire to soak up global cultures and my quest to blossom into my best self. There is something powerful about listening to an author read her work. Each moment was told with so much vivid emotion, I felt like I was there. A sign of a great author I guess.... the ability to transport your readers through time and space.

As I shared in my previous blog, my desire to experience South Africa began about 25 years ago. Several times over the course of my life, gentle reminders would breeze by and fan the flame. None as powerful of course as crossing paths with a now dear friend. He, pretty much single-handedly, changed all of my pre-conceived notions about Africa, Apartheid and my (in)ability to drive a manual car on the opposite side of the road, using my left hand to shift. Four years ago, I planned to visit this friend in Johannesburg but, things just didn't work out. My trip was postponed. 

Another significant event happened during a customer service training. The presenter was from SA. Listening to her, I decided that one day, I would go to Capetown and have a moment with God on the beach. I could already feel what it was going to be like. Sunny day, nice breeze, overwhelming presence of Spirit and me, in my most prayerful state ever. Yep, that was my plan. So time progressed. Neatly tucked away, I kept this South African dream alive in my heart.

Fast forward to a few months ago. In the midst of settling on dates for a Spring 2011 trip to Paris, France, I posted the following Janos Arany quote on Facebook: "In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities". A response to this posting was all it took. I will never stop being amazed by the power of words and technology. Suddenly, and I mean that literally, I found myself researching, confirming and booking a trip to Africa. It seemed to come out of nowhere, kind of random but, I know better than that. Once, I received my confirmation email from KLM Airlines, I thought about a line of poetry quoted in Eat, Pray, Love. You remember, the book, I avoided.

"God long ago drew a circle in the sand exactly around the spot where you are standing right now". Gilbert continues by writing "I was never not coming here. This was never not going to happen". Like the proverbial ton of bricks, it hit me, I was always coming here. Long before, I planned it. Experiencing South Africa is part of my journey.

So here I am, sitting on the left hand(passenger) side of my friend's car, staring out at the ocean on my way to an undisclosed location. We are actually driving on the tip of Africa!!!! I am so fully present, that I try to think if there is somewhere else in the world I would rather be and nope...nowhere. This is it. We arrive. African Penguins (yes, real live) witness our trek down the pathway to Boulder's Beach. I am staring out to the Atlantic, mesmerized by the beauty of the Cape. How serene and surreal. I stand alone.

I am thrilled, overjoyed, and bewildered because I also feel sad. Yes, sad, you know, the opposite of happy. Please don't be mislead in thinking that an incredible trip is solely comprised of everything going my way. Life is forged by push and pull. Truthfully, I began feeling engulfed by a gray cloud. Aren't emotions funny? I mustered up all of my usual positive self talk. Didn't work. Tried to pin point the source of the sadness. Got nothing! My solution was to return to my happy place through prayer. Yes, that's it. This will be that great spiritual moment I have longed for. Crickets! You know that silence illustrated in movies...just me and crickets. I felt cheated. Where is my pre-planned, mind altering, Moses, Abraham, and Isaac experience? Internally, I'm so confused. Externally, I have successfully (I think) maintained my game face. We move on to the next destination. Which for the record, blew me away. But, that is another post for another time.

I flew back to America still unable to understand why I would travel thousands of miles to my dream vacation which seemed more like my homeland, and not have this great spiritual encounter. UNTIL(pause for dramatics sake)....I read the April issue of O Magazine this week. Out of habit, I skipped to my favorite feature 'What I Know For Sure'. Which can always be found at the end. This month's theme is on poetry. While sitting at a beautiful location on the island of Fiji, Oprah sends an email to a poet friend inquiring about the inspiration for his work. Mark Nepo's response is priceless and changed my perspective.


You Ask About Poetry
You ask from an island so far away
it remains unspoiled. To walk quietly
till the miracle in everything speaks
is poetry. You want to look for poetry
in your soul and in everyday life, as you
search for stones on the beach. Four
thousand miles away, as the sun ices
the snow, I smile. For in this moment,
you are the poem. After years of looking,
I can only say that searching for
small things worn by the deep is
the art of poetry. But listening
to what they say is the poem. 

There I was standing on the tip of Africa, in the presence of Almighty God and a man who revolutionized my perception of the world. My hope is that you grasp the power of those words. Go back and read it again if necessary.

That was my great spiritual moment. That was the manifestation of my prayer, of my faith and my dream. Me, standing on the edge, was the manifestation. Though at the time, I did not recognize, my prayers were answered in such a profound way. And now I will be eternally grateful. I will always remember what it feels like to be the prayer and the poem.  

Cheers,
J~

The Art of Receiving...My first lesson on my South African Journey

South African Flag

My voyage to South Africa conjured a flurry of emotion. With all of my senses engaged, I often just stood there paralyzed by the beauty of the moment. My experience was a gift and over my next few blog entries, I will attempt to translate my thoughts into words.....

According to Acts 20:35, "...It is better to give than receive". Give of your time, your resources, your money and yourself because it is good and right and virtuous to do so. There is a certain satisfaction earned through giving. Whether it be the devoted gratitude of the receiver or the moral kudos required by the ego or the drive to become a good person, giving plays a central role in the human experience. Sharing is caring after all, right?

I remember a few years back actually, more like a decade ago, I was new to single motherhood. A co-worker would occasionally pull me aside on her way out the door. This Angel disguised as a woman, would press money into my hands at the end of our day. I would always say "Oh no please, keep your money. Things are tight for everyone". She would repeatedly say "You must take it. This is a gift". Reluctantly, I would accept the offering. I hesitated because 1. I knew it was better to give than to receive and 2. I was uncomfortable with receiving. One day as I was profusely refusing the money, she in a very stern tone, took control of the situation. With her feet firmly planted, she squared her shoulders and looked me right in the eye. What she shared next would change my perspective on giving. She made it very clear that every time I refused her money, I was being selfish..Me, selfish by not taking her money??? What?!? I became a bit indignant explaining that I don't expect her to just give and I understand things are tight everywhere. "Every time you refuse to receive, you stop my river of blessings from flowing. The only way I can continue to receive is by giving. That is a spiritual law..so please Jodi..open your hands and allow me to bless you so my river continues to flow. There will come a time when you will become the giver, and maybe only then you will understand the flow of the river".

On that day, I made an agreement with myself to pay it forward. Over the next few years, I gave my time, my money, my talents and my resources. I gave because I desired to do so. And I gave because I wanted to do the right thing. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying that I became Mother Theresa by any stretch of the imagination. I simply became more comfortable with giving, doing, creating and planning than I did with receiving. I learned to make things happen for myself and others...big things, small things and everything in between.

Basically, I missed the whole point of my human angel's words of wisdom. But thank God for second, third and 13th chances. As I prepared for my journey, several friends offered bon voyage well wishes. Those who know me very well said things like "Jo, don't try to control everything..just relax and trust that whatever happens is supposed to happen. Be open and enjoy". Several years ago (um who am I kidding..more like months ago), I would have cringed at the mention of me trying to control anything...talk about denial!! But thank God for small and not so small miracles. I am learning to let go...slowly but surely learning to relinquish and surrender. I should have known life would present a test to monitor my progress in this area.

On my 21 hour flight across several continents, I had plenty of time to imagine all I might possibly do. Quieting my thoughts long enough to catch a few hours of sleep proved nearly impossible. I am certain the flight attendants could hear my heart beating. A near 25 year old dream would finally be realized. At 14 years old, while sitting at lunch at Marymount High school in Los Angeles, Caifornia I declared that one day I would travel to South Africa. And now I find myself landing in Capetown.

What happens from that moment until now is so overwhelming, so well orchestrated by God and man, so memorable and so personal that sharing details in a blog seems almost sacrilegious. But, I can't leave you in suspense so, I will describe it in the following way...I saw fog roll back while standing on a mountain top, just so I could witness night time city lights. A glorious sunset of the most brilliant orange, yellow and red hues was hand delivered on a platter while I sipped red wine paired with a divine piece of chocolate.
Waves of gratitude washed over me as I relaxed in a thatch roofed tent wearing a plush robe as I received Neo Maota (traditional royal African foot scrub and massage). On this trip, I was pampered and challenged. I was protected and exposed. And I was vulnerable and strong. Absolutely every moment was a gift, a lesson, an opportunity to grow in new and deeper ways.

I received. With a grateful heart, I made every effort to surrender to each moment. My South African life was selflessly, generously and lavishly bestowed upon me. My only requirement..To RECEIVE. At times, I did not comprehend the beauty of this gift. Now I am beginning to understand. Receiving is an art. I am humbled, honored and eternally grateful.

Living Authentically...

So I stayed home from work today recovering from a wicked sore throat. Resisting every urge to unpack and clean the house, I forced myself to get some much needed rest. Flipping through endless channels of mindless entertainment, I landed on "Kimora: Life in the Fab Lane".  In this episode, Kimora entrusted one of her handy dandy assistants with creating the ultimate event..100 Make Overs for 100 women. This event celebrates the fabulosity of women who have overcome terrible odds. Its purpose is to empower these women to uncover their beauty and to encourage them to fulfill their dreams. After the ladies received new make-up, hair do's and outfits, they sat eagerly awaiting words of wisdom from the Baby Phat Fashion Mogul. Kimora stood before the group, stuttering and stammering while holding the cards of her scripted speech. Moments pass but, the words did not flow. Suddenly, she speaks up and puts her cards down. In an authentic moment, Kimora says "I don't need these 7 cards to speak. I know my brand and what I stand for and that is F A B U L O S I T Y!!!

Kimora Lee Simmons

With that affirmation, she speaks from the heart saying what she actually wants to say from the place within herself that connected personally with each of those women. Her confidence  and belief in what her brand stands for came shining through. The message resonated with her guests which was evident by the "Amens" and "Hallelujahs" she received. At the end of her speech, a few of the women testified how inspired they felt to continue on their journeys of self improvement because Kimora was so transparent.
This TV moment reminded me of one of my favorite quotes by Marianne Williamson.


Our Deepest Fear
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

Nothing quite compares to the power of the mind. When you are totally convinced of your value, of your place in this world and your purpose, you are unstoppable. Everything suddenly becomes possible. You no longer look at challenges as obstacles but hurdles. You absolutely will exhaust yourself, searching for possibilities to accomplish your goal. And lets just say, you don't know your place, your value, or your exact purpose then your responsibility is to begin the journey to discover these things.
So often, we wait for our cards to line up to really begin living. We frustrate ourselves with timelines like, I thought by the time I was (whatever age suits the moment placed here)..I would be (whatever activity, lifestyle, bank account size, weight, marital status, hair color, occupation etc). And the reality is you are not. God knew that wherever you are that is where you would be. And life continues. Know that of every single moment of every single day you have not only the choice but the absolute responsibility to throw your cards out the window and write your own script. Let go of the fear of living. Let go of the fear of allowing your light to shine. You not only owe it to yourself but to the rest of the world. There are people waiting to be inspired by your F A B U L O S I T Y!!!
 

Party Girl!!!

Anyone who truly understands me should know that I am easily distracted by all things feminine, blingy, glitzy or glam.  My classic line is "Oh....my....gosh...look at that...it....is...sooooooo...cuuute"!  There is no such thing as over the top in my world.  I am the girl who budgeted my meager college funds to purchase fresh flowers almost weekly just to decorate the dormrooms of my fellow floormates. This appreciation for detail has given me the ability to create very special events.

One of the best parties I have learned to coordinate is a Pity Party.  Oh you see, I have mastered this gala affair. There is only 1 individual on the guest list and the invitation is custom. The key to throwing a successful Pity Party is to focus solely on yourself and whatever it is you feel you may be lacking at that moment. To make it a truly authentic experience, refute all passing thoughts of hope. Most importantly, you can not under any circumstances think positive thoughts about your future. It is all bleak, gloom and doom. 

Now, if you want to remain in a state of SELF-loathing, Do NOT think of blessing others.  See there is a spiritual law called reaping and sowing. Basically, what you plant, you will harvest.  If you are lacking love, be loving.  If your money is short, give.  If you want more friends, be a friend!  

What I am most thankful for is that these brief moments of pure despair happen less frequently.  I have come to realize that life is full of love and abundance just waiting for us to partake.  It is absolutely incumbent on each of us to extend kindness and generosity to each other.  And that becomes difficult to do when we can not see past our own circumstances.  I read the following story:

During my second year of nursing school our professor gave us a quiz.  I breezed through the questions until I read the last one:  "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"  Surely this was a joke.  I had seen the cleaning woman several times, but how would I know her name?  I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank.  Before the class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our grade.  "Absolutely," the professor said.  "In your careers, you will meet many people.  All are significant.  They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say hello."  I've never forgotten that lesson.  I also learned her name was Dorothy.  ~Joann C. Jones