Incriminating

I've said this before and I will say it again, the need to blog just springs forth in me. I can be at a place, any place with anyone, anywhere, at any time and I actually feel it coming. A man who suffered from seizures once told me that he could feel the grand mal or petite mal coming so he would prepare himself by grabbing a wooden spoon or a wad of paper towels to stuff in his mouth right before the violent shaking began.

Blogging for me is a release, a violent shaking of all of the emotions, passions and fears which I attempt to keep neatly controlled during my non-writing life. Excuse me, I need to go back to a thought I had during the first paragraph. I was saying that the need to blog can come from ANY thing. It comes like the sound of a steam engine roaring in the distance. Or maybe better yet, like the little engine that could. That ANY thing could be a sentence in a book, a comment from a friend or a divine moment. As I was sitting with some really great friends tonight over dinner, I heard that choo choo train rolling in the distance. 

I get settled in at home, turn on the computer and log on to blogspot. All of a sudden, the word INCRIMINATING is shouting at me like the whistle on a train. What the?!? I write about my journey of love and romance. What does INCRIMINATING have to do with that, seriously? Talk about random!
Where can I get some insight on this? I know, let's consult good old reliable Merriam Webster. Adj. 1. incriminating - charging or suggestive of guilt or blame. Okay, so now I know what it means but, what does that have to do with my road to AMORE? Things that make you go hmmm!?!

There are those individuals who relish anonymity. Wikipedia defines that as "without a name, nameless". People choose to remain anonymous for various reasons. Some good and some not so good. I know what you are thinking..why did she jump from INCRIMINATING to anonymous (small case, no bold, no italics, insignificant, blend in the crowd, shall remain unimportant). Where is she going with this?

All board, the blog train is coming. As I write it starts to make more sense. Funny, I think the moon has lit the way (I paid homage to the moon a few minutes ago on Facebook and now it's paying me back with illumination). You don't want to miss this train. Ok, so people choose to remain anonymous for various reasons. Some are even afraid to write in a diary or a blog out of fear that some ill intentioned person may get a hold of all our secrets. God forbid people find out that we don't have it all together.

So, I have been scratching just a bit below the surface on this whole love thing. I haven't quite been anonymous  but, more like Jane Doe. You know I am a woman. You know that I am on a journey of self-actualization in regard to my romantic relationships. And if you didn't, you do now. But, tonight my writing will be more open. Take your seats ladies and gentlemen, the train is leaving the station.

Let's go back to paragraph 2, remember I was sitting at dinner with some really great friends? These individuals I have know for about 10 years or longer. They have known me married, divorced and single. They have cried with me, laughed with me and encouraged me to become the woman I am today. Yes, they have played a part in me....Becoming. I excused myself for a long minute during the "hey girl it's been so long" portion of our evening. Little did this group know that my spirit was a tad bit crushed this evening. Here they were telling me that I looked beautiful, how they appreciate my positivity and how much they love reading my FB posts and there I was....Becoming.

An internal war was taking place in the midst of margaritas, chips and salsa. I vascillated between becoming full of disappointment and becoming full of gratitude or simple acceptance or whatever other Eat, Pray Lovish emotion I can stir up. All of this taking place as I attempted to stay present and involved in the conversation. I trust this group and could have blurted out my discontentment. I can count on these women to nod their heads, smile and with the sincerity that only well seasoned friendships provide, offer an encouraging word. I chose to remain anonymous...to remain nameless, to blend in, to not be bold or italicized or underlined or "".

You see, I went on a date yesterday. Not just any date. But a date with someone who really sparked my interest (and as sad as this may sound, that's rare). I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I mean I really enjoyed myself and even while sitting there on that date, hoped for the best. And then tonight, over margaritas, chips and salsa with these lovely friends of mine, I received a message. Okay not a message but, THE Message. Graciously, my date informed me that he so enjoyed my company BUT, thought it best that we just BE...friends. Yes, those words stung for a bit. Not to worry dear friends, the blogging has helped. And not to mention the fact that this new found friend formerly known as my date, informed me that he had recently been doing some pruning of his negative friends which gave room to welcome me if I was interested. With my margarita by side and in the presence of witnesses (albeit unaware), I sent this text to him "Cheers to your gardening. Lucky me! And you! LOL!". I meant that with my whole heart.

I am free tonight because I am not afraid any longer of being INCRIMINATED. Let me explain. I used to live so guarded. Fearful, that someone would find out that I have moments when I ponder what is wrong with me. Aren't I lovable? Worthy of being chosen? Am I not capable of making a romantic relationship work? I would become annoyed by phrases like "his loss" because it's not just his loss. It was my loss too. And for all of the budding and full grown romantic relationships I have stopped and started, I couldn't help but wonder what I am missing. I am reminded of a scene in Grey's Anatomy which at times still haunts me. Meredith talking to Derek pleads "So pick me. Choose me. Love me"! But, this is not the Jodi I portray. I am so busy being busy. Filling up my days with events, dinners and activities because that is what I love, yes, but also, to drown out Dr. Grey's incessant plea. I mean my incessant plea.

But, there is a dichotomy. I have craftily mastered a pretty good life without a companion. I have spent time, energy and money developing a strong sense of self and have made empowering women my platform. But, I have used this like a funhouse mirror or a magician's illusion to trick the audience. Because at the end of the day, in the still of the night when the curtain is drawn, I wonder, who will choose me, pick me, love me. And of course since I have been married before and I am an equal rights advocate, I wonder who will I pick? Who will I choose? Who will I love.

Consider this self-incrimination. I am guilty as charged. Not guilty of desiring love. There is no crime in that. But rather, guilty of fooling myself into believing that I was fully content as I am. Now a bit weary from patching and re-patching my cape, I understand that I am not superwoman nor do I have the desire to be. The right companion in my life is necessary. Every hero needs a sidekick right? Maybe it was my grandmother's expressed concern that I will end up alone like her or, maybe it was meeting a man who shared so many of my common interest that made me declare to some girlfriends who met up to hear the scoop post-date, "I am so over myself. I am open and ready to receive the love that is meant for me. I no longer want to be alone". Oh and boy do I ever mean these words.

Here is what I am asking of you dear friend. Do not spend a second of your precious time worrying about my fears and revelations. I am blazing my trail on the road less traveled (that was for you Laurie). This whole thing is a mandatory part of my journey. My hope is that you expose the evidence in your own life. There will come a moment when your willingness to be honest about the secret things in your heart shared with the right person at the right time will absolutely transform your life..and theirs! Live freely and boldly for we have but brief opportunities to impact one another.

Once I informed my new friend formerly known as my date that I would accept his offer of friendship and thanked him for his honesty, he replied "good, I feel better Jodi :-)". So, I replied this,"I'm having a margarita so I hope to be feeling better soon too! I'd be pretending if I acted as if I'm cool like that. The women's libbers would lynch me for my honesty. Don't be a stranger". And yes, I meant it. Choose not to be anonymous or even Jane Doe in this life. Your life has meaning and purpose. Sometimes it may require some pruning to make room for the positive buds. Be free!

"I am a soldier of love...I know that love will come" ~Sade