Out of the mouth of babes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvDaJaU5My4 (Unfortunately Sony has removed Sade's Soldier of Love Video for now as the album is not yet released ). The lyrics are powerful. Do Enjoy the song!



     I am in the process of being deprogrammed. Everything I thought I knew about men, romance and relationships was totally, utterly and completely wrong...

When my son was about 7 years old, he attempted to "school" me on what men want. Seriously though. Being a 31 year old divorced single mom, I quickly discounted the well-intentioned advice he so eagerly shared. What could he possibly know?

So the story goes like this-I was excitedly packing outfits to wear on my premier cruise. I pulled a few items from my closet and prepared to do a one woman fashion show. My son was in the bath tub playing with his Power Rangers. First outfit, I stroll into the bathroom to check my image in the mirror. My son glances up quickly and then continues to play with his toys. Turn to the left and to the right. Try on three different pairs of shoes. Okay, this will do. Outfit number two, mirror check complete, my son raised one eyebrow a la The Rock (Dwayne Johnson) fashion. What was all of that? Oh well, it's late and I have to get packed. By my fifth appearance on the cat walk, he says very sternly "MOM"!

"Not now honey, mommy is very busy. Time to get out of that tub already".  It got really quiet in that room. I turned to look into my son's big brown eyes and my heart softened just a bit. "What is it honey?" He softly says, "Mom, I just don't want to say it because it might hurt your feelings." So I reassure my boy that he can discuss anything with me. My baby, my seven (7) year old male child then says "Momma, what I'm trying to tell you is that you DON'T know how to dress to get a man"!

It took a few moments for my mind to wrap around this whole scene. I thought my ears had surely deceived me. So, I asked my boy to repeat himself. And sure enough, that 7 year old broke it down. And this is what he said...

• Men care about what you wear. They like women to look pretty and be like a girl.
• You should wear your hair down more often
• Don't wear too much make up
• Pick better shoes to wear

I can honestly say that I started laughing out loud from my gut. At this period in my life, I was so far removed from being worried about what men want. I was on the fast track to independence. I was just starting a new love affair with traveling. I lived in my own space. Paid bills when I wanted and could come and go as I pleased. This was my world. I packed what I wanted.
As to not to offend my son, I politely thanked him for his advice while mentally moving that list to the recycle bin icon in my mind.

A month later, we were visiting my dad in Philadelphia. We were invited to a catered brunch at the Omega House (African-American Fraternity). As we walked in, I could not help but notice the number of rather attractive men at this function. My son gets his plate, sits down at the table and then it happens. I wanted to crawl under the table however, decided that would probably bring more attention to myself. In between bites he yells "Mom, maybe you can find a husband in this room. There sure are a lot of guys in suits here"! OMG...for really real! I just put my head down shaking it slowly from side to side in disbelief. From the outburst of laughter at our table, I assumed everyone heard. But, he just could not stop there..could he? Funny what a responsive audience will do for the ego. He added..

"I am going to start a lemonade stand and with  the money I make, I am going to buy my Mom new shoes so she can get a man"! Mortified is not strong enough word to describe what I felt at that moment.

Fast foward 7 years and I can finally acknowledge that my son was on to something. I have spent the last ten years traveling, hanging with my girls, dating, starting and stopping relationships and raising my son. I grew fiercely independent subconsciously promising myself that I will never be vulnerable enough to be hurt again in love. I built walls of protection around my heart. Not fully understanding that those same walls blocked the good as well.

Yes, much of my independence developed out of necessity, however it did not start that way. I allowed seeds of negativity towards men to germinate. On the outside, I was pleasant enough practicing the whole treat others as you want to be treated. But, inside I was a mess. And as I attempted to grow relationships it was as if an invisible wall prevented me from doing so.

I am fully aware now, desiring liberation from the ties that bind. I confessed to a confidante recently that I have been divorced for nearly ten years and just realized that it was truly by my own choice that I remained single.

I have become a student again. When you are ready to learn the lessons, the teachers really do appear. I am listening, expanding, purging, welcoming and trusting. I am becoming that woman who cares.

Vulnerability...capable of being physically or emotionally wounded

Normally, my need to blog will come from some inspired word or deed. Today, feels a bit different. I am not writing from some place where the lesson has been learned and neatly compressed into a colorful display of paragraphs. I am in the passenger seat tonight so let's see where this goes.

I have resumed my workout this month. I am so focused on becoming whole that I so don't care who sees me in my bathing suit as I move from the locker room to the pool. I pay no mind to the other swimmers in the lanes next to me or the group of men chatting loudly in the spa. My determination to create a healthy self overrides my fear of exposure and my need to hide my unfit self. My vision of what I want supercedes my need to be in control of other's opinions, perceptions and judgements.

Yes, I want it that bad!

Vulnerability is an interesting word. A noun. Just thinking about it gives me a little flutter in the pit of my stomach. Somewhere along my life's time line, I grabbed hold of the reins, white knuckled it and threw caution to the wind. Determining (I assume) that life is much better relying on myself. I am in control in the driver's seat. Miss Independent! So yea, I'm the driver, the trip planner, the navigator, the cost estimator, gas purchaser, window washer, tire pressure checker and dialer to AAA (or my brother) when I get a flat. As the driver I am in control..but, of what??

There is a strength in vulnerability. "You know what..I am just gonna move from the driver seat to the passenger seat now" I say to my friend Veronica last week. SHOCKING!!!! Scary, um no more like TERRIFYING!!! But, I have reached a point where my need to control is no longer a need. My desire to release the steering wheel, slide over to the passenger side like those girls in the old movies and simply enjoy the ride cancels my need to run things. Being vulnerable is not a bad thing. Yes, I am capable of being wounded but, I am also opening myself to experiencing an incredible blessing. Imagine the view from the passenger side. No need to check the rear view, put on the blinkers or monitor the gas gauge. Top down, feet on the dash, hair in the wind, hand out the window singing an old 'Retha Franklin song.

Puts a smile on my face....With the all of the possibilities and capabilities of being wounded, I just sit back and enjoy the ride...and the company!