In an unguarded moment...

Unfortunately, I subconsciously began censoring myself in my last few posts and I can feel/tell/sense the difference. A very good friend of mine recently made her blog private and I struggled with deciding to do the same. Tossing the pros and cons over in my mind for several days, I concluded that God gave me a voice for a reason. No one else can feel/tell/sense my world as I do. It is therefore my right and my duty to share as I experience life around me. However, I also reserve the right at any moment to make this a "By Invitation Only" blog. If I so choose.

While listening to Elizabeth Gilbert's, Eat, Pray, Love on audiobook, I chuckled to myself. The author tells this story:

I walked into an office building one afternoon in a hurry, dashed into the waiting elevator. As I rushed in, I caught an unexpected glance of myself in a security mirror’s reflection. In that moment, my brain did an odd thing—it fired off this split-second message: “Hey! You know her! That’s a friend of yours!” And I actually ran forward toward my own reflection with a smile, ready to welcome that girl whose name I had lost but whose face was so familiar. In a flash instant of course, I realized my mistake and laughed in embarrassment at my almost doglike confusion over how a mirror works. But for some reason that incident comes to mind again tonight during my sadness in Rome, and I find myself writing this comforting reminder at the bottom of the page.

Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a FRIEND… 

I listened to this part of the CD over and over again until I could taste this moment. I saw myself there with her in that elevator occupying my neatly carved 3 feet of distance from any other human. It's funny how we have become as a society so full of contradictions, enigmas and fears yet longing to feel significant and understood. We may avoid all eye contact with our fellow elevator riders while Tweeting that we're in an elevator to our loyal "followers". Strange. We can communicate at the speed of light through electronic devices but rarely speak in passing. We have become guarded even almost fearful of each other and sadly of ourselves. Constantly connected to the world wide web yet completely disconnected. 

At the beginning of this year, some friends and I saw the romantic comedy It's Complicated. Some comedy, I cried...I mean from the depths of my soul, pit of my stomach, snot from my nose (sorry for the visual) no longer can see type of cry. What is going on with you Jodi? You should be laughing. And to make matters worse, I have no real clue why I'm crying. It's so bad that we're walking to the car AFTER the movie and I start crying again because I can feel something stirring  within but can not express it. By now my friends are looking at me like I am absolutely certifiable. But in that moment, I no longer care..I am completely unguarded. I am no longer  Ms. in control, update with the perfect quote, censor my blog Jodi. I am just...raw and real and hurting and frustrated and tired and through with it all. What all? Did I say all? Think I actually meant WALL...Yes, that's it. I am done with the Wall.


The wall metaphor needs no introduction as I can only assume that most of you are familiar with what I mean but, please bear with me as I bare my soul. Unguarded. My divorce left a gaping hole in my heart which over the past ten years I have covered with my relentless participation in self-help, fix-it, control freak and fearful behaviors. I became in charge of myself and my emotions. There was no task too great nor too small that I could not handle. My mission was to make sure that I kept the key to my heart safely tucked away least someone take me for granted again. Up went my guard and down went my chances to truly experience life as I should. 


In the midst of my Complicated tears, I got a phone call from a friend. I began sharing my woes and she told me to Google this certain book which led to two other books, which led to a blog on femininity which now has me writing this post after midnight on a Tuesday. Not even sleep deprivation can pull me away from sharing my heart at this moment. This new found knowledge is transforming the way I dress, talk, act and walk. The more I learn, the more I apply, the more free I become. Oh, how I love how all of this works.  I am becoming. And my once guarded heart is now slowly opening.. again. Am I scared? Um yes, scared of never blossoming into the woman I was created to be. Either the wall must come down or I'm scaling it. Staying prisoner is not an option.


I was visiting a friend recently and noticed some beautiful photos on the wall. Generations of a family on display for all who care to see. I mean really See. Black and whites, color, sepia, glossy and matte pictures spanning decades each a story within Their story. Standing in front of this living art, I thought of Alex Haley's quote "In every conceivable manner, the family is link to our past, bridge to our future". I became captivated by one photo in particular. I actually got a bit teary eyed; which this friend probably did not know until now. Unguarded remember. The photo is of their mother (from my perspective) even though her husband and two children are in the background. This picture is a black and white and must have been taken around the early 60's. It is the look, well more specifically the soul, within her eyes which mesmerized me. This woman completely owned her femininity...transparent, self assured, gracious, beautiful, strong and deeply rooted. She had life in her eyes. A quality few women will ever really know. And in that moment, I understood the power of giving and receiving love. I understood while standing in front of this photo in my friend's home why I could no longer walk around with a gaping hole in my heart. Liberating. This woman was treasured and confident in love and it showed. It reminded me of my own mother as captured by my good friend Fre.

I will never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, when I was about 16 years old, I had a similar experience to Elizabeth Gilbert. I remember feeling awkward, unattractive maybe like a typical teenager. While shopping with my mom and sisters at the mall, I saw this stunning young lady..so stunning in fact that I tried to get my family's attention so they could see her too. When I turned back, I realized I was looking at a mirrored column. Shocked, taken aback, and freaked out by this weird fact, I simply turned away and rejoined my family. About a month ago during an unguarded moment, I shared this story with my mom for the very first time. That same week I hosted a re-coming out party for a woman who decided to reclaim her femininity. She asked me for a mantra to help her build up the nerve to embrace her rediscovered self. I wrote the following on a card which she posted:


Never forget that once upon a time in an unguarded moment, you saw yourself as beautiful. Your challenge should you choose to accept is to: change your mind about yourself!

Love,
Jodi 

One man says....

Unknown male says:"girls always want a man to save them but who is going to save us ???? I don't need help im just sayin. Sometime a woman got to hold her own..i.n.d.e.p.e.n.d.e.n.t. do you know what I mean!!!!! Do for yourself...save yourself. Ok most women don't want to do anything with they life but sit and wait for a wealthy man to ride up in a white Benz to carry them to a better life and if you don't have that ....the point is independent woman is in style now broke girls........... fall back."

This is a snippet of a conversation my friend posted on one of my favorite Facebook pages "The Art of Being Feminine". Several women gave awesome responses. As I wrote mine I thought, this is a perfect blog post.

Unfortunately, we can't only blame the men but, also the women who continue to feed into this new modern world view. It seems that in all of our connectedness i.e. Facebook, Twittter, IM'ing, texting...better, stronger, quicker..we have become more disconnected, more lonely, more unaware of the power of the simplicity of companionship. So some of us become fiercely INDEPENDENT, the pursuers, the accepter of anything you have to give me as long as you give me some of you WOMEN. It is no wonder this has become the new mindset. As a people we have become afraid to have standards, morals and requirements because it could possibly mean we have to WAIT for that special someone. It is sad..this whole masculine woman and feminine man dance that continues to erode the quality of our relationships. This male you are speaking of 'A' has bought into this ideology and I guess why shouldn't he as this is "EASIER" for men...no work, no investment, no planting required. And for the women who accept this behaviour well it's like putting a band-aid on open heart surgery. The irony in it all is that it leads to more loneliness. Men who go through woman after woman, devouring yet never being full. Women who seem to have it all yet remain barren for love. These two people willingly, hungrily giving their bodies to each other with a speed that rivals light yet, never connecting..knowing each other yet never really KNOWING each other. Children are born from these flimsy unions and we are raising a new generation of non-committal boys and thirsty girls. Each longing for love yet never truly crossing paths.

"Good for you with your alpha male! I'm single again and hope to be as lucky as you darling!! Thanks for the response!! MWAH!!" (quote from 'A's' post)

So 'A', this weekend I was feeling a bit SINGLE. I even threw myself a Pity Party on Friday spending hours crying out to God seeking His infinite wisdom. Truly trying to understand what I am missing, I moved through my day sullen. I have learned to cope by continuing on despite the way I am feeling (as those things are so temporary...feelings). I went to a restaurant and to the movies alone. I even saw Last Song, Nicholas Sparks...yeah a LOVE STORY!!! I was weeping in the theatre and questioned a few times whether it was audible. I asked for a sign, something to alleviate this hole I was experiencing. Went to bed..no answer..no insight..no nothing!
But, this morning I read this post, 'B's' comment and your response and through writing my own response right now my soul has been soothed. Guess Joy truly does come in the morning. 'A' you need no luck my darling to attract your man (none of us do). You need only to continue to develop into the exquisitely simple, beautifully uncomplicated, decidedly feminine sweetheart that you already are. May blessings, favor and honor overtake you forevermore!!! Thank you all for being you!
♥ Jodi

 

Invite Me

I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.~Anais Nin

So, I have read and reread this quote. Here I am staring at each letter, comma and pronoun trying to decipher its full meaning. Not wanting to infer more into the quote than Ms. Nin intended but, also not wanting to ignore the sentiment behind each character, I read it again.

1. "I, with deeper instinct..."-According to the online dictionary, the word instinct comes from the Latin word Instinctus which means Impulse. As I thought back to the beginning of some of my relationships, I can remember sitting across the table from a well intentioned potential suitor thinking, no he is not for me. That initial reaction was my natural gut feeling or impulse or instinct. It never failed that sometime during the course of dinner or coffee or the walk to my car, I would decidedly ignore the instinct and choose (I mean this literally) "hey, he's a nice guy, give 'em a chance". And then inevitably a month, 6 months or 1 year later, I look back over the hills and valleys of the relationship and cry out an "I told you so". When or where or from whom did I learn to just kinda go with the flow of my life. How easily I used to give up or give in because he said and did all of the right things or so I thought. 

2. "...choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent"; Wow! I have not crossed paths with too many women who are looking for this nor many men equipped to handle the job. When I first read this statement, I flinched at the idea of a man making enormous demands on me. What exactly does that mean? What would I be expected to do and become? I was really feeling like I can not in good faith mixed with the residue of past disappointments, consciously choose a man who makes enormous demands. But, then I read the quote again. This time, I saw beauty. The power I hold as a woman to choose a man who sees me. I mean really sees my strength, my courage and my toughness. A man who appreciates my life experiences and my opinions. How absolutely liberating...the thought of honoring my intuition by only giving my time and attention to a man who actually understands what it means to compel my strength. 

My strength, is an interesting little statement. So before I can celebrate the thought of choosing wisely, I must become fully aware and fully embrace this strength, courage and toughness. I must become very familiar with the core of me. Not too long ago, I truly believed that my strength came from the ability to maintain control. No way would I ever be in a position where I would allow someone, especially a man, to witness my vulnerability. No wonder these relationships were doomed to fail. I take responsibility in that I did not always allow the men in my past the opportunity to make an enormous demand on me. I approached these relationships with my guard intact like Roman battle gear. Swimming knee deep in equal amounts of self-pity and desperation, I became fearful of getting used or left or disappointed or rejected or disrespected. And I would remain in these varying degrees of partnerships until one or both of us left or disappointed or rejected or disrespected the other. And after several rounds of this dance, I grew weary. Maintaining control is a full time job!


Tired yet determined enough to seek answers, I began asking questions, seeking knowledge and desiring truth. In all of my asking, seeking, knocking, I happened upon a blog which in no uncertain terms, changed the course of my direction. I began studying the Art of Being Feminine. I am woman enough to admit that I had this whole male/female thing figured wrong! Instead of celebrating our differences and understanding that my power, my strength is rooted in my femininity, I became hell bent on doing it my way.

Please don't misunderstand, I am all for a woman handling her business by becoming self sufficient and self actualized. As matter of fact, growing into a well rounded and respected woman is not only your right but your responsibility. But somewhere along my journey of raising my son, a shift occured in my view of males. You see I USED to be a proud card carrying member of the Let's Empower Women By Emasculating The Men Society. I terminated my membership with that club once I had a revelation that I absolutely detest generalizations of any kind. All men are dogs. All men cheat. All men lie. All men are stupid. If my son is a male then one day he will grow into a man. And if everyone who grows into a man is a dog, cheats and lies then that would mean my son would be a lying' cheatin' dog. And once I rejected that idea, I made a choice from that day forward to evaluate each man individually based on the virtue of his character.

I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.~Anais Nin

Therefore, I with this newly found appreciation, choose a man who compels, calls forth, invites my femininity. A man who makes enormous demands on me to be totally and completely my best self physically, spiritually and emotionally. A man who understands that demand is defined as 1. a requirement or need or 2. the state of being sought after according to the online dictionary. One who understands the power and necessity of pursuit.  A man who has faith in my courage and resilience to stand my ground and get the job done. A man who does not see me as naive or ignorant of what it takes to be a good woman of sound mind and judgement. A man who is wise enough to appreciate ALL OF MY softly powerful, modestly sexy and lovingly supportive WOMANLY SELF.

Lessons vs. Tools

When I first started on my path of enlightenment, I took great pride in wondering "now, what is the lesson in this experience, person, trial?". So through being in hot water, stuck between a rock and a hard place, livin' on a prayer and my back against the wall, I learned a lesson in patience, love, tolerance, faith and hope. Through having a large family, new friendships, graduating from Cal, my travels, being a single mother, and being attracted to different cultures, foods and languages, I learned a lesson in patience, love, tolerance, faith and hope. For years I would see the world through a lens which enabled me to find the silver lining no matter how ominous or glorious the cloud. I guess some would refer to this as being optimistic. A pretty important trait to possess if I might say so myself. My motto..there are no coincidences. Oh yeah, and we must not forget the role of my favorite word/lesson...Serendipity (an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident).

Lesson, something learned by study or experience as defined by the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary. This was actually easy for me..the whole looking for the lesson in every situation. In a strange way, I became almost robotic with it. Using my optimism like some iPhone App. Believe me, I am not complaining about this. I will always see that proverbial glass as half full. But, on February 20, 2010, my world was turned topsy-turvy. My thought process was challenged. I was asked to stretch, rethink, go back to the drawing board, rewrite the script and change the lens. You know like the picture of the bunny and duck which sort of shift as you tilt your head. Same image, different perspective. I remember the date because I was sitting on the left hand side of the bed in one of the guest bedrooms at my sister girlfriend's house on a cul de sac in Northern California. Sister girlfriend was sitting at the end of the bed near my feet and my Road Dawg for life was sitting to my right. The room is filled with feminine energy and the bonds of sisterhood formed from shared experiences, memories and time.


Here, with these beautiful souls, I could be vulnerable, raw and real. You see, they cried with me during those moments when I was stuck between a rock and a hard place and they accompanied me back to Cal for the first time after 17 years just so I can buy a sweatshirt that says "Berkeley Alumni". As we were recapping our wonderful weekend, sister girlfriend says something to me which could be interpreted as "Jodi, you may just have to kiss a few more frogs". OMG, for really real? That's what my inner voice said as I rolled my eyes. I try to quickly reel in all that emotion so I cover it up by saying (this is not verbatim mind you more like a grossly negligent paraphrase) "Okay, so what could possibly be my lesson in kissing more frogs"? As I say this, I was sitting on the left hand side of this bed literally racking my brain trying to figure out what grand qualities I would acquire through these experiences. So I say that, to my little self-help squad..."what is the lesson in that"? That's when sister girlfriend lays a bombshell on me!

"Jodi, the frogs aren't lessons honey they are tools"! The record scratches. Pump the brakes. Back it on up. Or as Arnold would say "What 'chu talkin' 'bout Willis?". She advises me to change my perspective. In order to see them as tools, I have to change my position. Now let me clarify for you. I understood immediately because I know the heart of sister girl. She did not mean for me to use people but rather to absolutely have fun with my femininty. She was referring to the meaning of tool which closely resembles the word "implement" (noun not verb). Here is a quick lesson..a tool is defined as something that helps gain an end. An implement, more specifically, suggests a device designed for a specific job that may require some skill on the users part. Well, this just changes everything. After much thought, I realized that I just became empowered. I am in the driver's seat. So as not to disappoint, the lesson is that I am to use all of my head knowledge (the books and blogs presented in my last post) and apply them. How liberating is this?!

"I mean I didn't even know frogs had lips. How 'bout a nice firm handshake?"
~ Princess Tiana

Ooh La La....Red nail polish!

While "picking my color" at ProfessioNail, a customer approaches me and strikes up a bit of a conversation....

Woman: Oh this is a lovely color (showing me a mauvy pink)!
Me: Yes it is but I am leaning towards red today...It's so glamorous..sort of old Hollywood!
Woman: Well personally, I have always thought Marilyn Monroe to be a bit brassy!

Me: Um, yes she was (with a wink and a smile)as I pick up Vodka and Caviar by OPI! 

It's been awhile since my last post. I have been traveling. This trip was sort of spontaneous. It just kind of came about. I saw a romantic comedy (It's Complicated) which left me in a teary eyed blubbery mess. I needed some guidance. My sister-girlfriend called me and immediately asked "what's going on with you girl?". I share my heart. She tells me of a friend who read something somewhere about the love secrets of French Women. Sister girl couldn't remember all of the particulars but advised me to find it. I did. This trip has changed me and my life will never be the same. 

Serendipity (fortunate accident) occurred. Google is amazing. One search lead to another and nothing short of a revolution has taken place. The following has reshaped my womanhood:

theartofbeingfeminine.blogspot.com/  

www.jamiecatcallan.com , author of French Women Don't Sleep Alone

 

Intriguing, captivating and oh so feminine. Several weeks ago, I considered making my blog private. I shared with a good friend of mine considering the same thing that she had too much to offer the world to make her writings private. Since then, I have learned some things. I respect her choice. I have chosen not to hide. There is a delicate balance between sharing your heart and protecting yourself.

When I started this posting I expected to go in a totally different direction....so I will end with some seemingly random items. Believe me they are not!

There is so much pressure on American women to be happy. To sweep away all traces of loneliness, to forget who you are in your search for a lover or a spouse. In France young girls learn that happiness is elusive; we learn that happiness is less important than passion. ~ Debra Ollivier

Juliette Binoche

"As girls we Americans sit in our fields of daisies and pull off petals with, " He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not".  Meanwhile, French girls sit in their Meadows with their marguerites and pulls off petals with: "He loves a little. A lot. Passionately. Madly. Not at all."" ~Debra Ollivier

Courtesy of Gasoline Alley

"It is here, in the realm of relationship, that women receive the most joy and the profoundest sorrows. The friendships of women inhabit a terrain of great mystery… Although often quoted in weddings, Ruth was speaking to a woman when she said, "Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God" (Ruth 1:16). There is a fierce jealousy, a fiery devotion, and a great loyalty between women friends. Our friendships flow in the deep waters of the heart where God dwells and transformation takes place. It is here in this holy place, that a woman can partner with God in impacting another and be impacted by another for lasting good. It is here that she can mother, nurture, encourage, and call forth life." ~Captivating John and Stasi Eldredge

 

Most messages for men ultimately fail. The reason is simple. They ignore what is deep and true to a man’s heart, his real passions, and simply try to shape him up through various forms of pressure.~ John Eldredge

 

Dita Von Teese