I spent a really grand evening with my family and very dear friend from work at John's Incredible Pizza Co. We laughed and ate and chatted and laughed and ate 'til our hearts' content. We parted ways strangely. She rejoined her daughter at the redemption booth and I found an empty seat at Deal or No Deal, no goodbyes. After several games, I decided to find a table for a cup of cappuccino. And there I sat. Alone. To the observer, I may have appeared to be just another woman sitting and occupying my time while my family busily swiped their Fun Cards over and over again. Yeah, that would have to be their thoughts because, who would come to a Family Fun Center ALONE? But, you see, I am not really alone because my loved ones are here somewhere. So, I am sitting by myself but I am not ALONE.
I wish I had the ability to shut down, power off, disconnect at will similar to my Sprint phone. But no, my mind seems to operate in one mode only...auto pilot. Figuring, calculating, connecting the dots, deciphering, developing, wishing and hoping for something that would transform....ME! A good friend says "girl, you are an Aquarius, embrace this part of you and run with it. Your mind works this way...accept it". All I know is this whole routine of "what am I supposed to be learning?" or "why did this person cross my path?" occasionally tires me out. Then there are those moments of thinking when 2+2 actually equals 4 and just like that, a new idea springs forth. Okay, well sometimes it's not a new idea but, things just begin to make sense. Let's go back to sitting for a moment.
In between sips of sweetened espresso and milk, the feeling of wanting to express myself in writing emerges slowly. It almost creeps up on me but, yet I know it's coming. Kind of like sitting on the sand watching the crescendo of waves rise and fall. It's rhythmic. I mean we all know how the waves roll in and out yet, the next one is as hypnotic as it's predecessor. Surrounded by noise, lights, John, company and incredible pizza, I go inward to find the pulse, the nerve center of this emotion. Wait for it, wait for it...Nope, got nothing. I get up a bit daunted. Guess, I'll just go locate my son.
I believe the most annoying part of these pizza and fun joints is the kajillion hours it takes for a kid to choose between a 2 inch slinky and an army man. Seriously?! My son looks over. I wave with a forced patient smile. No need to ruin his great night with my disdain for imbalanced reward systems. I pass the time with mobile web surfing. Hmmm, email from my dad entitled "A Good Time with My Father in Law". I'm reading, reading...no way...what's with the water works? Tears, now? Pull it together Jodi.
And so began yet another episode of...Jodi, Let's face your Wall(s). When I was about 12 years old, my bestie's dad told me that I must be really special because God gave me two dads who adore me. At the time, I was thinking..come on now man, I am the product of brokenness, dissolution and irreconcilable differences. If this is special it must be code word for misfit. I digress or maybe not. This email was written by my biological father who currently resides in the city of brotherly love. Well, he actually lives in a suburb outside of Philly but none of this really matters for the point of this story. I think?
My dad wrote of visiting his father in law who lives in a senior care facility. Apparently, my father visits every other month primarily to play jazz music and just sit with him.
"My father in law is a special man. He could have been a professional musician playing several instruments; but he chose to marry and raise a family. He grew up with Amad Jamal, Horace Parnham and several other world renowned musicians; but he chose to be a husband and a real man".
Chose to be a husband and a real man, he wrote. Wow, now that's a powerful statement. I always assumed that the most gut wrenching part of my wall would require me to scale it. How could stones which have been sitting firmly planted as part of my foundation be easy to remove? It would be like choosing the bottom block in a Jenga tower, everything should just crumble. So for all of these years, I wondered when I would begin actually processing the shame I have carried since my girlhood. The shame of feeling abandoned. My dad and I have discussed this several times just in case my shedding light on this rather taboo subject makes you uncomfortable. Remember, this blog is part of my process in discovering and embracing my femininity. And because life does not exist in a vacuum, I could not successfully explore femininity without giving attention to masculinity.
I have beat the rejection and abandonment horses to death, revived them and beat them all over again. Tonight, I feel no need to expound on the circumstances nor the aftermath of such an experience at an early age. Call it Freudian or whatever you please but, lack of bonding with a particular parent will surely lead to the reading of at least one self help relationship book in a lifetime. Enough of the pondering the what ifs, finding fault and placing blame. Instead I choose to seek healing, restoration and balance by facing my wall(s). Funny how life works. In order for me to become truly free in my womanhood, I must honor manhood.
While, it would seem appropriate for me to write volumes on all of the wonderful ways of the beautiful, resourceful, brilliant women in my life, it is Mother's Day after all, I choose to write about my admiration of men. You see, writing about women requires very little effort on my part. I do not have to fight any fire breathing dragons or navigate through any motes to do that. It comes naturally. But, to express my respect and adoration of men requires courage.
My dad ended his email with the following sentence:
"Yes this is Mother's Day but right now I am sitting with a REAL MAN; I pray one day somebody will say that about me".
To my daddy: It is through tears that I write these words to you. For most of my life, I felt that something must be inherently wrong with me. Could I actually be unlovable? Carrying this wound with me like a ton of bricks, I subconsciously developed a strong contempt for men. While casually thumbing through a book today, I read that line (are you a woman who has contempt for men?) and it pierced me like a knife. Me, have contempt for men? So I looked up that word...yikes!!! It means the feeling or attitude of regarding something as inferior, base or worthless. scorn. Oh daddy, now it all makes sense. I could have waited until you went to meet your heavenly father to speak kind words about your life. But would I just be trying to convince myself and others that I was a good daughter? God is giving me a chance now to let you know how loved you truly are.
I will not wait until you are in a senior care facility to let you know that yes, daddy, you are ABSOLUTELY A REAL MAN. I know in my heart that you did the best you could with what you knew. You never cease to amaze me with your diligence in keeping your family together. You always seem to know when to call to offer a word of encouragement or just to let me know I'm on your mind. You pray for your children, reach out to your brothers and honor your parents. You love your wife as yourself and call her blessed. Daddy, that's a real man. You have told me time and again how much you appreciate my other daddy for being a solid rock in my life and for loving me as his own. This is what real men do. Forgive me for the times when I may have shut you out physically or emotionally. I can only pray that my son grows into a Real Man just like my dads. Mr Bibawi was right daddy, I am special in only a way that another man would understand. I love you with all of my WHOLE heart. You are my hero.
Today, in this unguarded moment, I choose love over fear. Many people think that hate is the opposite of love. It is not. Recently, I was discussing this wall business with a friend. She told me that she feels like she is staring up at the Great Wall of China. This friend went on to say that she felt like she needed a plan to overcome this wall. To which I said, just maybe you don't need to Do anything maybe you just need to BE.
Ladies, may YOU be loving, be kind, be gentle, be nurturing, be respectful, be honest, be supportive, be yourself and be a soft place to fall for all of the Real Men in your lives.
Yes this is Mother's Day. And today I choose to honor all of the good men in my life!
Blessings,
Jodi
.JPG)
.JPG)
