The Walking Dead

Let's start at the end and not waste words....

I buried my love life a decade ago

My great-great-great grandfather's grave site (Opelousas, LA)

This will most likely be the most challenging yet honest post I will ever write.

So, this morning started out like any other Sunday. I was finally able to catch Oprah's Soul Sunday. I watched about an hour, got a healthy dose of inspiration and proceeded to get ready for church. I replayed a few conversations in my mind which occurred the day before while styling my hair. I am always amazed when the simple seemingly insignificant moments of life turn your world upside down. I was caught off guard by a statement made. Me, the woman who can usually hold her own when it comes to expressing herself, stood there stumped. Not knowing how to respond, I grabbed for straws, with a really messy attempt at diverting the conversation. I will keep what was said to myself, at least for now. But trust when I say, this threw a wrench in my neatly packaged life.

Heading out the door, I grabbed a water bottle out of the fridge when I heard/felt/thought the following: You have allowed love to die in your life. You closed the book, shut the door, ended that chapter a long time ago. Oh yes, in other areas you live adventurously open to new possibilities, new landscapes, new ideas. But in the romantic love department, you are shut down, a walking zombie. So in true Jodi fashion I begin reasoning with this revelation. Um, how can you say I am closed off? Why would someone who prays for God to send the right person into her life commit romantic murder? I am appalled. This is ridiculous. Stupefied, I just stand there for a minute. I feel the tears welling, I stop them and say "not now, I'm late. This is no time for an Aha moment". Can we say 'control issues'. No need to further reason. 

Photo from Lonely Planet

There is no denying the truth. This revelation built a bridge. Now, I must decide if I am willing to do the work and walk over. I used to make fun of people still dressed in a terribly outdated get up. You know the women still fixated on 1983 hoping to recapture when they felt their sexy best. I just want to yell out "you are invited to join us in 2011"! That was until this morning when I was not so subtly reminded that I am literally stuck in the grief of my disappointment in love. Simultaneously vowing to never get hurt again and convincing myself that I am ready to open my heart, I sit here waiting, talking the talk but surely not walking the walk.

I can normally conclude each post with some great lesson learned. But this journey will be a process. My heart was not disappointed and broken over night so there is a very good chance the healing won't be either. This does not mean that I will stop approaching each day with joy and hope. It just means that I recognize that some things were never meant to be rushed. Somewhere we have learned that time is a bad thing. Microwaves, high speed internet, diet pills and plastic surgery have many of us thinking that everything must happen quickly. 

Photo from Parent Vortex

I am committing to surrendering to the process, to my journey, to the Aha moments. What I know for sure is that weaping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning. This will be a good ride. I trust my guide (the Holy Spirit) and I trust myself. Holding onto the pain of disappointment no longer serves me. Bitterness has no place in my future. Life is too good to just exist in any area. With courage, I will walk boldly into my future. With gratitude, I will LIVE in the moment and experience the joy of each person who crosses my path. And with understanding, I will connect the parts of my past to my happily ever after like stepping stones.

I am not anxious about the work that lies ahead. I think Maya Angelou states it best. “I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.” I will not be overwhelmed by what lies ahead. Life is full of twists and turns. Lean with it, learn to bend. I am confident in my strong foundation. My faith will make me whole. 

Quotes I will live by:

“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.” 

“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.”

“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it. ”

Blessings for your journey,

Jodi