Systems, organization, order, necessity..control! During our self-tour of the very exquisite Boston Public Library, we stumbled upon..wait for it..yes, an honest too goodness CARD CATALOG. What? Unbelievable! In this day in age of the ever faster, ever more powerful, ever superior ever more PERFECT computerized system, a city who values education is actually still using this antiquated means of disseminating information? I was shocked, thrown off guard. Why did this stand out to me so much? Why did this bother me? And so began..let's say it together boys and girls..Soul Searching! You gotta love it by now, right? So I must admit, I have bought into the notion that modern in some ways must undoubtedly equal better. I mean computers are sophisticated and even pretty now. What glamour girl doesn't want a pink Mac Book of her very own? But, I digress, we're talking card catalogs. When and who decided that placing all of the book's information into a machine would help you locate that book faster than your forefathers could flip through several hundred cards to find that very same book?
Besides being a former hopeless romantic, I am a recovering control freak and perfectionist. A few weeks before my trip to Boston, I met someone. The who and the where aren't as important as the what and why. Pay attention. This is where it gets good. You didn't actually think I was going to write an entire blog on card catalogs did you? But it all relates. "The Commonwealth requires that the education of the people as the safeguard to order and liberty" is inscribed on the outside of the Boston Library. This quote impacted me greatly. I have a deep reverence for education. In order for me to be free, I must educate myself. Knowledge is power right? So let's go!
I met a man who wanted to be there for me. He gave. He gave from his heart. He honestly sought my happiness and made every effort to make sure I was full of joy. He christened October 16th as the Day of Jo and in doing so gave me a holiday of my very own. I was taken to a spa for a massage and manicure at the Fairmont Newport Beach and then whisked to a world class dinner at Andreas at the Pelican Hill Resort. The view was breathtaking. Imagine this.... sunset, the ocean, Catalina Island in the distance, ravioli with truffle butter, hazelnut gelato and a pot of loose leaf jasmine green tea. It was an evening for the record books. All created just for me. Pure bliss. I learned something that night...I learned to let go. I allowed someone else to be the planner, the conductor, the orchestrator. I moved over and actually gave up the reins. I finally decided about 15 minutes into the Day of Jo to stop asking where are we going, what's planned and what comes next. I relinquished control. I gave up the need to know and embraced the element of surprise. I stopped critiquing and simply inhaled and exhaled..allowing myself to be consumed in the delight of the moment. I sat still long enough to watch the sun fully set and the moonlight illuminate the water. I asked my date repeatedly..do you see how beautiful this is? And he said "this is a gift for you from your Father..He loves you this much"!
As tears streamed down my face, I realized how so not in control I truly am. I went to that place that I keep hidden from my girls, my colleagues, my son, God and myself. The place that is wounded and scarred by disappointment and failure. That place that I allow to lie dormant until some new offense rips the scab and all of the carefully packaged emotion comes oozing out like a horrific wound. I preach healing, traveling, being open, creating moments and living authentically. But deep down there is a gaping hole which needs some attention. STAT!!! Just remember when you seek knowledge..prepare yourself to receive the answer.
The following weekend, he takes me to Crystal Cove. There are other individuals on the beach some of them getting their jog on. We begin walking side by side. He gently grabs my hand and asks "Where are you going? You in a rush"? I blush noticing my pace and make a marked effort to slow down. We start walking again. I am excitedly giving my opinion on the topic and once again he just stops. I stop. And then I remember...oh yeah my pace. I am rushing through this moment hurrying him on to our destination. And then I remember..oh yeah..we're just walking along the beach..there is no destination. Actually, we have already arrived so why do I feel the need to control the pace? We're strolling. Maybe because if I slow down he will see how vulnerable I truly am. He will see that I do not have it all together. And while I have assumed the role of the independent super mom, employee, party planner, mentor, world traveler, inspirational speaker and general all around make it happen chick, I have hidden myself from the vulnerability of romantic relationships. Even in this moment of sharing uninterrupted time with a person who seeks to truly be there for me, I am rushing. I reflect.
I will admit that I was seeking perfection. I was looking for some guarantee that nothing bad will ever happen again that will cause me to feel the pain associated with divorce. I would not tolerate disappointment, broken promises or failure. So, I guarded myself by building a castle on a hill. I built a mote with a drawbridge and filled it up with pirahnas and alligators. I put up barbed wire and attached signs with angry doberman faces which read BEWARE. Oh, don't get me wrong the inside was beautifully adorned with empowering plaques that celebrated a woman on a mission. I always thought that one day a man strong enough and determined enough would fight the alligators, scale the walls and come save me from my lone existence. But a funny thing happened. I had an epiphany while in Boston. One morning, Sherrill and I spent a good 15 minutes pondering whether to purchase a Go Boston card which would give us access to many of the top sight seeing places. A kindly librarian looking woman assisted us with our planning. After too many minutes of watching two control freaks (Sherrill has already admitted this) ponder every aspect of the pros and cons of the purchase all while debating the time we would have to actually use this investment, she says in a very direct tone "OK ladies enough! Cough of the cash so we can get you on your way! You ladies have wasted 15 minutes discussing this and you can be in the trolley headed to your first destination"! Without a word or even looking at each other, we open our wallets and comply. Once we were out of earshot of the librarianesque Go Card vendor, we looked at each other and laughed. She was so right. Precious moments of life wasted as we perfected our plan. We weren't living, we were plotting the perfect day, the perfect places to see, the perfect person to meet. So, the joke is on me. God had a little talk with me during this season of my life. I am responsible for tearing my own castle down. I constucted it. I have to swim through my self-made mote and reach out. It's not for anyone but me to do the work. I was waiting on a perfect system not realizing that they too get viruses, power down, lose connection. Their is no perfect.
I have begun my demolition and boy is the view so much better. Letting go of all of the preconceived notions of how things should be sure helps me to appreciate how they really are. Okay, I know you are wondering what's happening with me and my gentleman. Well, he exited my life as swiftly as he entered. In the grand scheme of things, I am comforted by the fact that this man was in my life for a reason. He was not meant for the destination but rather for the stroll. And that is okay. He taught me invaluable lessons and at our departure we wished each other well. www.inspiringthots.net/movie/reason-season.php
Be encouraged and know that God cares even about the secret things. Be courageous enough to let your perception of perfection be altered by His mighty hand. Be still long enough to see the beauty in the lives that He allows to cross your path. Be willing to go to that vulnerable place and allow His touch to heal those deep wounds. Be wise enough to let people and things go that hold you back. And be fearless enough to realize that you are perfect just as you are-that is...lacking nothing essential to the whole.
Loving you in all your splendor from the vulnerable place in my heart,
Jodi
Psalms 23:1 The Lord is my Shepherd, I SHALL NOT WANT (to be without;lack)
