Out of the mouth of babes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvDaJaU5My4 (Unfortunately Sony has removed Sade's Soldier of Love Video for now as the album is not yet released ). The lyrics are powerful. Do Enjoy the song!



     I am in the process of being deprogrammed. Everything I thought I knew about men, romance and relationships was totally, utterly and completely wrong...

When my son was about 7 years old, he attempted to "school" me on what men want. Seriously though. Being a 31 year old divorced single mom, I quickly discounted the well-intentioned advice he so eagerly shared. What could he possibly know?

So the story goes like this-I was excitedly packing outfits to wear on my premier cruise. I pulled a few items from my closet and prepared to do a one woman fashion show. My son was in the bath tub playing with his Power Rangers. First outfit, I stroll into the bathroom to check my image in the mirror. My son glances up quickly and then continues to play with his toys. Turn to the left and to the right. Try on three different pairs of shoes. Okay, this will do. Outfit number two, mirror check complete, my son raised one eyebrow a la The Rock (Dwayne Johnson) fashion. What was all of that? Oh well, it's late and I have to get packed. By my fifth appearance on the cat walk, he says very sternly "MOM"!

"Not now honey, mommy is very busy. Time to get out of that tub already".  It got really quiet in that room. I turned to look into my son's big brown eyes and my heart softened just a bit. "What is it honey?" He softly says, "Mom, I just don't want to say it because it might hurt your feelings." So I reassure my boy that he can discuss anything with me. My baby, my seven (7) year old male child then says "Momma, what I'm trying to tell you is that you DON'T know how to dress to get a man"!

It took a few moments for my mind to wrap around this whole scene. I thought my ears had surely deceived me. So, I asked my boy to repeat himself. And sure enough, that 7 year old broke it down. And this is what he said...

• Men care about what you wear. They like women to look pretty and be like a girl.
• You should wear your hair down more often
• Don't wear too much make up
• Pick better shoes to wear

I can honestly say that I started laughing out loud from my gut. At this period in my life, I was so far removed from being worried about what men want. I was on the fast track to independence. I was just starting a new love affair with traveling. I lived in my own space. Paid bills when I wanted and could come and go as I pleased. This was my world. I packed what I wanted.
As to not to offend my son, I politely thanked him for his advice while mentally moving that list to the recycle bin icon in my mind.

A month later, we were visiting my dad in Philadelphia. We were invited to a catered brunch at the Omega House (African-American Fraternity). As we walked in, I could not help but notice the number of rather attractive men at this function. My son gets his plate, sits down at the table and then it happens. I wanted to crawl under the table however, decided that would probably bring more attention to myself. In between bites he yells "Mom, maybe you can find a husband in this room. There sure are a lot of guys in suits here"! OMG...for really real! I just put my head down shaking it slowly from side to side in disbelief. From the outburst of laughter at our table, I assumed everyone heard. But, he just could not stop there..could he? Funny what a responsive audience will do for the ego. He added..

"I am going to start a lemonade stand and with  the money I make, I am going to buy my Mom new shoes so she can get a man"! Mortified is not strong enough word to describe what I felt at that moment.

Fast foward 7 years and I can finally acknowledge that my son was on to something. I have spent the last ten years traveling, hanging with my girls, dating, starting and stopping relationships and raising my son. I grew fiercely independent subconsciously promising myself that I will never be vulnerable enough to be hurt again in love. I built walls of protection around my heart. Not fully understanding that those same walls blocked the good as well.

Yes, much of my independence developed out of necessity, however it did not start that way. I allowed seeds of negativity towards men to germinate. On the outside, I was pleasant enough practicing the whole treat others as you want to be treated. But, inside I was a mess. And as I attempted to grow relationships it was as if an invisible wall prevented me from doing so.

I am fully aware now, desiring liberation from the ties that bind. I confessed to a confidante recently that I have been divorced for nearly ten years and just realized that it was truly by my own choice that I remained single.

I have become a student again. When you are ready to learn the lessons, the teachers really do appear. I am listening, expanding, purging, welcoming and trusting. I am becoming that woman who cares.

Vulnerability...capable of being physically or emotionally wounded

Normally, my need to blog will come from some inspired word or deed. Today, feels a bit different. I am not writing from some place where the lesson has been learned and neatly compressed into a colorful display of paragraphs. I am in the passenger seat tonight so let's see where this goes.

I have resumed my workout this month. I am so focused on becoming whole that I so don't care who sees me in my bathing suit as I move from the locker room to the pool. I pay no mind to the other swimmers in the lanes next to me or the group of men chatting loudly in the spa. My determination to create a healthy self overrides my fear of exposure and my need to hide my unfit self. My vision of what I want supercedes my need to be in control of other's opinions, perceptions and judgements.

Yes, I want it that bad!

Vulnerability is an interesting word. A noun. Just thinking about it gives me a little flutter in the pit of my stomach. Somewhere along my life's time line, I grabbed hold of the reins, white knuckled it and threw caution to the wind. Determining (I assume) that life is much better relying on myself. I am in control in the driver's seat. Miss Independent! So yea, I'm the driver, the trip planner, the navigator, the cost estimator, gas purchaser, window washer, tire pressure checker and dialer to AAA (or my brother) when I get a flat. As the driver I am in control..but, of what??

There is a strength in vulnerability. "You know what..I am just gonna move from the driver seat to the passenger seat now" I say to my friend Veronica last week. SHOCKING!!!! Scary, um no more like TERRIFYING!!! But, I have reached a point where my need to control is no longer a need. My desire to release the steering wheel, slide over to the passenger side like those girls in the old movies and simply enjoy the ride cancels my need to run things. Being vulnerable is not a bad thing. Yes, I am capable of being wounded but, I am also opening myself to experiencing an incredible blessing. Imagine the view from the passenger side. No need to check the rear view, put on the blinkers or monitor the gas gauge. Top down, feet on the dash, hair in the wind, hand out the window singing an old 'Retha Franklin song.

Puts a smile on my face....With the all of the possibilities and capabilities of being wounded, I just sit back and enjoy the ride...and the company!

Trust no man; Fear no B!&@%*$

This has got to be the most idiotic car sign I have ever seen! If you are a self-righteous, male-bashing, man-hater..you should stop reading now because you won't appreciate this blog. Let me continue.

“The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be- and when they're not, we cry.” Unknown

Disappointment and Distrust are sisters. You rarely will see one without the other. Holding onto each other for dear life as if the mere thought of separating is a fate worse than death. Disappointment came first. She was an unplanned pregnancy. I mean her parents honestly had no idea Disappointment was coming. Imagine their surprise when they found out Distrust was not too far behind. Those girls were a handful to raise. Disappointment always seemed to have this way of creeping up when no one was expecting her. Well, let me clarify. The first several times she could sneak up undetected but then strange as it seems, people kind of began to expect her. Guess they got used to her ruining their plans, their hopes, their fun. People grew quite weary of her shenanigans even though they knew she would be coming around just to make their lives miserable.

Disappointment started bringing Distrust around..and well..this just wreaked havoc on people. Now they were kind of used to Disappointment but Distrust, she was really somethin' else. Disappointment tried to tell Distrust to watch who she keeps company with because you see these sisters already had a bad rep. Disappointment knew that even though she wasn't really liked, she was accepted. But, Distrust always gave people a bad feeling. Kind of like the feeling you get when all the hairs on the back of your neck stand straight up. To make matters worse, Distrust started hanging around Fear...now those two girls together did more destruction than Hurricane Katrina!

Once upon a time, I hung out with Distrust and Fear. They seemed so cool at the beginning. All my girlfriends would rally around them. And I can admit I was drawn by their charisma. They were some fiercely independent chicks who seemed to have an answer before the question was even formulated. Distrust said that Fear told her that she must always maintain control. She must always go for hers first. She is to rely on no one. Fear hated men because they were stupid little boys who only had one mission...to make the lives of women miserable. Now of course she didn't really know why she thought this, other than she once heard Disappointment say some guy hurt her. Anyway, I bought into all the propaganda. I had some similar experiences as Disappointment so there must be some truth to all of this. Plus how could millions of women be wrong???!

Today, something bizarre and unexpected happened. Before I get to that, let me tell you that on a first date several months back, I actually said "I just want you to know that I don't trust men". According to my date, I said it four times through out the course of our dinner. Yeah wow...so much for being cool, calm and collected. I'll take Issues for $300 Alex! I digress. Let's go back to today! I was chatting with a very good friend of mine about...men of course. And then I sent this in a text..."It's weird cuz for some strange reason, I can trust him". Not until I was driving home did it hit me. This is GINORMOUS..I mean HUGE! It's not about the who (I know I always say this). It's about my growth. Just read my beginning blogs!

So, all the way home I am logically trying to figure out how or why I could trust this person. It just does not make sense. I remembered my friend telling me at the end of our convo to "Go with the Flow". As I am tossing these things around in my brain, I log onto Facebook. Two things happened tonight. First, I click on my Message From God Application and it says...

... that there is no need to obsess over a decision. God has more in store for us then we can ever predict, and what we fear are bad choices frequently turn out for the best, because our hidden aspirations know better where we are going than our rational minds.

My message was right on time. Secondly, I started writing this blog and decided to add a quote on Trust. I came across the one at the top of the page. As I read. it was as if a light switched on. I trust this friend because I do not box him with my expectations of what he should be. I think he is cool as he is. I have reclaimed the power from Disappointment, Distrust and Fear....this is the beginning of learning to love wholly, purely and unconditionally. And this road is not for the faint of heart for it will be replete with visits from Disappointment, Distrust and Fear. It is my choice to reclaim my power.

During this past Sunday's sermon my Pastor Daddy quoted the following scripture:


Owe no one anything except to love one another, for he who loves another has fulfilled the law. Romans 13:8

Blessed Be,

Jodi

Chemistry....

I decided to make cookies as a surprise for my mom's birthday. Normally, I start by taking two sticks of butter out of the fridge. To all of my Betty's or Martha's out there, you would instantly know that's the start to the Toll House Chocolate Chip Cookie recipe (there will be a quiz at the end). Wanting to break free from the humdrum, I decided to be lazily adventurous. My friend (who shall remain nameless) shared a cake cookie with me recently that was surprisingly delicious. Eager to please, I bought a box of Funfetti Cake Mix...you know, the one with the little multi-colored sprinkles? How perfect and well, fun!

I call her up and say "Hey (friend who shall remain nameless), what is the recipe for the cake cookies?". Friend Doe then replies " Oh girl, it's soooo easy. 1 box of cake mix any flavor and 1 stick of melted butter. Mix. Form into little balls. Bake." Do you need eggs I say to friend who shall remain nameless. "OH NO GIRL, YOU HAVE EVERYTHING YOU NEED WITH THOSE TWO INGREDIENTS"! Voila, cake cookies....UM NO...more like cookie rocks. I call her frantically trying to figure out why my cookies didn't taste like her cookies. What don't I have that she has? What am I missing? If I follow a recipe correctly, shouldn't my results be guaranteed? Friend who shall remain nameless was adamant that all I need is 1 just 1 stick of melted butter and 1 cake mix any flavor. I did see a recipe on the box for cake cookies but, why follow that when my friend's cookies were delicious? Written instructions ignored. No cake cookies...something is just not right.

24 hours a later, friend who shall remain nameless called another friend, who happily informed her that the recipe does in fact call for 1 cake mix, 1 stick of melted butter and uh yeah..two eggs!

Chemistry, it's really rather simple..without the presence of the eggs, the formula just won't work.

This made me think about the composition of ingredients in my relationships. He may have the right job, take me on the right dates, be the right age, say all of the right things yet something is missing. I know I know. Some of you are concerned that I am too picky. Standards too high. But, I don't think so. I am missing huevos!

Last week, I watched Serendipity for like the millionth time. I love that word-Serendipity. It sounds distinguished and intelligent, yet ends with a dipity and that's the fun. It means an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident. And isn't that fun..desirable discoveries by accident?

One day, I will exclaim that during all my waiting, searching, traveling, meeting people, organizing events, reconnecting with friends, I met someone. Not just any someone....

 I learned a lot from my experience with that terrible batch of cookies. 1.) Celebrate life and show your appreciation. 2.)You'll get by with a little help from your friends. 3.) When listening to your friends' advice pay attention to the written instructions(bible) and your gut instinct. 4.) Follow them with a strong conviction. 5.) When you make a bad batch, don't be afraid to start all over.

The chemistry, the recipe, the combination just has to be right.....

Confessions of a former Hopeless Romantic V

Systems, organization, order, necessity..control! During our self-tour of the very exquisite Boston Public Library, we stumbled upon..wait for it..yes, an honest too goodness CARD CATALOG. What? Unbelievable! In this day in age of the ever faster, ever more powerful, ever superior ever more PERFECT computerized system, a city who values education is actually still using this antiquated means of disseminating information? I was shocked, thrown off guard. Why did this stand out to me so much? Why did this bother me? And so began..let's say it together boys and girls..Soul Searching! You gotta love it by now, right? So I must admit, I have bought into the notion that modern in some ways must undoubtedly equal better. I mean computers are sophisticated and even pretty now. What glamour girl doesn't want a pink Mac Book of her very own? But, I digress, we're talking card catalogs. When and who decided that placing all of the book's information into a machine would help you locate that book faster than your forefathers could flip through several hundred cards to find that  very same book?

Besides being a former hopeless romantic, I am a recovering control freak and perfectionist. A few weeks before my trip to Boston, I met someone. The who and the where aren't as important as the what and why. Pay attention. This is where it gets good. You didn't actually think I was going to write an entire blog on card catalogs did you? But it all relates. "The Commonwealth requires that the education of the people as the safeguard to order and liberty" is inscribed on the outside of the Boston Library. This quote impacted me greatly. I have a deep reverence for education. In order for me to be free, I must educate myself. Knowledge is power right? So let's go!

I met a man who wanted to be there for me. He gave. He gave from his heart. He honestly sought my happiness and made every effort to make sure I was full of joy. He christened October 16th as the Day of Jo and in doing so gave me a holiday of my very own. I was taken to a spa for a massage and manicure at the Fairmont Newport Beach and then whisked to a world class dinner at Andreas at the Pelican Hill Resort. The view was breathtaking. Imagine this.... sunset, the ocean, Catalina Island in the distance, ravioli with truffle butter, hazelnut gelato and a pot of loose leaf jasmine green tea. It was an evening for the record books. All created just for me. Pure bliss. I learned something that night...I learned to let go. I allowed someone else to be the planner, the conductor, the orchestrator. I moved over and actually gave up the reins. I finally decided about 15 minutes into the Day of Jo to stop asking where are we going, what's planned and what comes next. I relinquished control. I gave up the need to know and embraced the element of surprise. I stopped critiquing and simply inhaled and exhaled..allowing myself to be consumed in the delight of the moment. I sat still long enough to watch the sun fully set and the moonlight illuminate the water. I asked my date repeatedly..do you see how beautiful this is? And he said "this is a gift for you from your Father..He loves you this much"!

As tears streamed down my face, I realized how so not in control I truly am. I went to that place that I keep hidden from my girls, my colleagues, my son, God and myself. The place that is wounded and scarred by disappointment and failure. That place that I allow to lie dormant until some new offense rips the scab and all of the carefully packaged emotion comes oozing out like a horrific wound. I preach healing, traveling, being open, creating moments and living authentically. But deep down there is a gaping hole which needs some attention. STAT!!! Just remember when you seek knowledge..prepare yourself to receive the answer.

The following weekend, he takes me to Crystal Cove. There are other individuals on the beach some of them getting their jog on. We begin walking side by side. He gently grabs my hand and asks "Where are you going? You in a rush"? I blush noticing my pace and make a marked effort to slow down. We start walking again. I am excitedly giving my opinion on the topic and once again he just stops. I stop. And then I remember...oh yeah my pace. I am rushing through this moment hurrying him on to our destination. And then I remember..oh yeah..we're just walking along the beach..there is no destination. Actually, we have already arrived so why do I feel the need to control the pace? We're strolling. Maybe because if I slow down he will see how vulnerable I truly am. He will see that I do not have it all together. And while I have assumed the role of the independent super mom, employee, party planner, mentor, world traveler, inspirational speaker and general all around make it happen chick, I have hidden myself from the vulnerability of romantic relationships. Even in this moment of sharing uninterrupted time with a person who seeks to truly be there for me, I am rushing. I reflect.

I will admit that I was seeking perfection. I was looking for some guarantee that nothing bad will ever happen again that will cause me to feel the pain associated with divorce. I would not tolerate disappointment, broken promises or failure. So, I guarded myself by building a castle on a hill. I built a mote with a drawbridge and filled it up with pirahnas and alligators. I put up barbed wire and attached signs with angry doberman faces which read BEWARE. Oh, don't get me wrong the inside was beautifully adorned with empowering plaques that celebrated a woman on a mission. I always thought that one day a man strong enough and determined enough would fight the alligators, scale the walls and come save me from my lone existence. But a funny thing happened. I had an epiphany while in Boston. One morning, Sherrill and I spent a good 15 minutes pondering whether to purchase a Go Boston card which would give us access to many of the top sight seeing places. A kindly librarian looking woman assisted us with our planning. After too many minutes of watching two control freaks (Sherrill has already admitted this) ponder every aspect of the pros and cons of the purchase all while debating the time we would have to actually use this investment, she says in a very direct tone "OK ladies enough! Cough of the cash so we can get you on your way! You ladies have wasted 15 minutes discussing this and you can be in the trolley headed to your first destination"! Without a word or even looking at each other, we open our wallets and comply. Once we were out of earshot of the librarianesque Go Card vendor, we looked at each other and laughed. She was so right. Precious moments of life wasted as we perfected our plan. We weren't living, we were plotting the perfect day, the perfect places to see, the perfect person to meet. So, the joke is on me. God had a little talk with me during this season of my life. I am responsible for tearing my own castle down. I constucted it. I have to swim through my self-made mote and reach out. It's not for anyone but me to do the work. I was waiting on a perfect system not realizing that they too get viruses, power down, lose connection. Their is no perfect.

I have begun my demolition and boy is the view so much better. Letting go of all of the preconceived notions of how things should be sure helps me to appreciate how they really are. Okay, I know you are wondering what's happening with me and my gentleman. Well, he exited my life as swiftly as he entered. In the grand scheme of things, I am comforted by the fact that this man was in my life for a reason. He was not meant for the destination but rather for the stroll. And that is okay. He taught me invaluable lessons and at our departure we wished each other well. www.inspiringthots.net/movie/reason-season.php

Be encouraged and know that God cares even about the secret things. Be courageous enough to let your perception of perfection be altered by His mighty hand. Be still long enough to see the beauty in the lives that He allows to cross your path. Be willing to go to that vulnerable place and allow His touch to heal those deep wounds. Be wise enough to let people and things go that hold you back. And be fearless enough to realize that you are perfect just as you are-that is...lacking nothing essential to the whole.

Loving you in all your splendor from the vulnerable place in my heart,

Jodi

Psalms 23:1 The Lord is my Shepherd, I SHALL NOT WANT (to be without;lack)