Confessions of a former hopeless romantic part IV

Read the paragraph below and then click on the link preceding the paragraph to view the slideshow.  The site has received so many hits that it may take a moment
for the slide presentation to display but it is well worth the wait!

This guy Rob said God was unfolding a vision in his life over the span of
about a year and then he put faith to feet and made it happen. Rob and
Keisha dated for about 4 years. And he knew that she was the one...but he
had to save up for all that God had prompted him to do for her. So in short
what you are about to see happen on April 28th....he rented out 10 rooms in
the Ritz Carlton in Buckhead and invited about 50-60 people to be there for
this special night...Keisha had to go from room to room and in each room
were people who were special to them....his boys...her girls...her Bible
Study group...his parents...her parents..etc. and everybody in each room
had questions that she had to answer to be able to move to the next room
and before she left each room the people there would pray over her...so you
have to watch each room to see how that goes...he chose roses because
Keisha's aunt who passed suddenly loved roses and he bought some of the
dipped in gold because of the stories in the Bible about Solomon and how
everything was dipped in gold and the song that you hear playing in the
background was the same song that was played at Keisha's aunts funeral, she
was like a second mom to Keisha.

When Rob was asked what he was thinking and how it felt...he said that he
was kicking and screaming all the way, not because he did not love Keisha
and want to marry her....but because of the time , money, and stress that
was spent doing this. Rob, put his house up for rent and saved for her ring
and this night and he did it out of obedience.

Click the link from Rob's email below to see the slide show...turn your
volume up.....


Subject: Robert & Keisha's Engagement Pictures

I have spent the past year of my life piecing together a vision given to me
by God. On April 28, 2007, that vision was fulfilled.  My labor of love for
the woman I love.

"God Is Love...The Proposal"

The Proposal (link)

A few years ago I received this email as a forward. I did not pay too much attention to it. I think maybe that I wasn't quite ready to watch it. Okay, so here I am being honest again. I think when it comes to love and relationships, I have got to be the most double minded person. A few weeks ago, one of my cousin's updated her Facebook status with this...

I must really learn that its not shameful to accept from others. Love must be balanced. If nobody were to receive love, who could give it?

Sowing and Reaping, Give and Take. Where did I learn this shame? When did this imbalance take root and germinate. Better yet, how do I begin to abort this weed? I need some Round Up! This weed is choking the life.So I was reminded this week that the first step to recovery is even admitting there is a problem...

Hi my name is Jodi and I am recovering hopeless romantic. And we all say "Hi Jodi". Some of you may not understand why it's so important for me not to continue in this state. I know I know, a hopeless romantic is a popular term assigned to those who are in love with love. I am not saying that I don't love long walks on the beach, roses and candlelit dinners as much as the next girl. What I am saying is that I can no longer use a term that begins with hopeless. I am not hopeless "having no expectation of hope;despair;desperate" as the on-line dictionary states. I stopped caring several years ago about what is the popular thing to say.

So here I am on this journey, discovering myself, facing my fears, coming clean and becoming. I love that word...BECOMING. It's delicate yet has movement. There is no expectation of time, the beginning or the end, or what the destination will bring. It just means a process of change. Change...now that's a good thing. Freaky, just had a Deja VU. Watching Brothers and Sisters and typing the word change. I digress.

This week I had a CONVERSATION that changed my life. It made me stretch my beliefs and boundaries, my hopes and my dreams, my self-worth and fears. I appreciate my friend for that. I appreciate his honesty, the gentle approach and most of all his listening ear. So, I reflected. Then remembered this email from 2007. Located it and watched the whole thing beginning to end. No longer afraid to face my fear of connecting with another individual. Understanding that I am worth of all of this and more. Learning that in order for me to experience my idea of romantic love, I must not be afraid to receive love. There is a vulnerability in all of this of course. Is there really any other way to truly grow?

Confessions of a former Hopeless Romantic Part III

     Okay..here I am working through another one of my issues. But, it's my blog so I can use this blank canvas to share my heart. To be as real and raw as I wanna, right? I used to take the bus sometimes while I was attending Berkeley. I saw my bus coming..number 77 or 78..ok it does not matter..well sort of. The point is-I knew this was the bus I needed to get from Andronico's grocery store to HOME! So as the bus approached I kind of looked away. Maybe I was embarrassed that I was taking the bus..not as chic as BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit) or maybe I assumed the bus driver knew I had been taking this same bus every Tuesday and Thursday for months and would just stop or maybe I kinda wished that I was the owner of my own vehicle able to travel freely around the Bay Area. Whatever the reason..this is what happened. The bus driver pulls that big machine over, opens the door and looks me right in the eye and says this "Next time you see your bus coming..you better act like you wanna catch it or I will pass you by". And this was all before I stepped foot on his mobile work place. Well of course my initial reaction was "how dare this %^$# (your expletive of choice) speak to me in that tone!". My blood was curdling..I mean I am sitting at your freakin' bus stop. What??? Do you think I was just resting my feet, taking in the scenery, contemplating life.??.SERIOUSLY!!! But, instead of reacting, I found a seat and stared out the window replaying his 21 words that little did I know still stick with me nearly 21 years later! Fast Forward..
     9/18/2009 I am involved in my Friday morning ritual of swimming laps at LA Fitness. In walks a rather attractive man. Well, truth be told I knew exactly who this mystery man was...sort of! I've tried to check him out before but, I could never catch a good glimpse. Red and blue trunks (nice length), black gym bag (Nike I think), flip flops (not the cheap rubber ones), red goggles that look more like a pair of Oakleys. He hesitates for a second. Places bag on the floor next to the window instead of using the hooks. He surveys the entire pool. All of the lanes are occupied. I am swimming casually towards his direction however my gaze is straight ahead. Mystery man is in my peripheral. Now either he is walking towards the jacuzzi or coming to talk to me. But I won't make direct eye contact. The very guy I have been checking out for months walking towards me and I freeze up. He stops on the side of me and says "Would it bother you if I shared your lane?" What the %^$#(expletive of your choice) is wrong with me? This is rhetorical. In response, I shake my head side to side like a flippin' horse. He thanks me and says that he promises to stay on his side. I barely look up obviously appearing to be very disinterested! Disinterested in the very guy I have been wondering about?! We ended up talking a bit at the end of his laps but, that's neither here nor there for the point I am trying to make.
     So can you guess what tape played in my mind next? You betcha..the good 'ol bus driver talking to me about how I need to act interested..or it will pass me by! In normal circumstances like group settings, interviewing clients, public speaking..I am confident. I mean downright ace in the hole. Those things don't intimidate me. So why do simple interactions with men cause me to freeze up? Guess I need to do some soul searching...ok done! It's called the left overs from rejection, abandonment and disappointment. Thought I was done with this. I know all of this stuff logically but when the rubber meets the road, I resort to my old behavior patterns. Dismissive, disinterested..anything like Al Pacino in the God Father? So here is my challenge....
     Rewind back to 1989, A few stops later, an older gentleman boards that bus. He notices my forlorn face and says "Smile young lady! Cuz when you smile..the whole world smiles back at you"! And that too has stuck with me for two decades. I will smile. I will make eye contact. I will act interested...in the whole world. For what do I stand to gain but, a smile in return?

   

Confessions of a former Hopeless Romantic Part II

I was a freshman in college, browsing through a print shop on Telegraph Ave in Berkeley, California when I first saw them. Awestruck, no, no that's not the word. Awestruck.  Mesmerized, yes that's the feeling washing over me right now. I remember and it still makes me smile. Okay more like blush! What was I wearing..hmmm..circa 1989...green plaid pants, green t-shirt..comfy, preppy..The GAP. Flipping, thumbing, browsing through images. My mission-bring some personality, style, "ME" to my humdrum dorm room.  17 years old, living on my own. Rules are mine for the making and breaking. It's my turn. I hold the reins, the paint brush, the teasing comb.  A blank canvas waiting for me..me. But who am I?

I'm searching for something that moves me. An object that expresses my inner self to the outer world. I turn and see them. How dare they distract me from my personal mission. Indignant, I avert my eyes. Don't they understand there is a time and place for everything. People are rushing by on their way to the office, to dinner, to pick up their children, to escape the streets, the crowds, each other but, they don't seem to notice. Moving, shopping, breathing, eating, chatting, hurrying along trying to keep time with the rhythm of their own lives. And there they are without a care in the world. Strangely intrigued yet slightly offended, I try not to pay attention. But they have enraptured me. Is it rude to stare? Guess it does not matter because they aren't paying attention to me anyway.

What is this I am feeling? A twinge of..no way couldn't be jealousy, longing maybe? I mean hello people..you are in public. Him, looking all cocky like, protective arm around her shoulder, his back to the world. Her, hands unclenched, shoulders relaxed, head back without a care in the world. And there they are kissing. Wait what was I here for I am all off kilter now. Oh yeah I was looking for what I love, what speaks to me, what defines who I am.

That is it.. I see it. I mean I really see it. It's beautiful, artistic and lovely. The contradictions so wonderfully captured. I've got to purchase this thing. I must possess it. Make it my own. It's perfect. This photograph (top of page) by Robert Doisneau was the first poster to adorn my walls. So young, naive and inexperienced and I choose a picture of lovers. Seems bizarre. I decorated that dorm room 20 years ago. And my my the lessons I have learned since then.

I am Jodi. I am fascinated by the glamour of the 40's and 50's and I think black and white photographs are tres chic. I am enamored with old movies but, find myself paying more attention to the outfits and hair as opposed to the story line. I prefer the word photograph over pic. I don't mind modest public displays of affection. I have come to appreciate the sincere protective arm of a self assured gentleman. You know the kind of man that makes you feel so secure that your hands unclench, you throw your hair to the wind and your shoulders relax. Makes me think of Terry McMillan's "Waiting to Exhale".  I have learned the POWER of an elegantly crafted stiletto, the right hue of red lipstick and a well developed vocabulary. A woman should wear her clothes and not the other way around. A well fitting dress can be used as a weapon or a target. I love the line from My Big Fat Greek Wedding when Toula's mother says "The man is the head but, the woman is the neck. And she can turn the head anyway she wants". Ladies you have more power than you realize. And now the kiss.

I leave you with this as you move about your life planning, organizing, achieving. STOP! Pay attention to the kisses you witness. Affection shared between lovers is only obvious of course. But, I am talking about the dew on a bud, a rain drop on a window, the sun on the water, a leaf falling to the ground, pen to paper, the sound of a baby's laughter, the wind in her hair, the smile on his face.

Be gentle, Be kind, Be blessed!

All is fair in love and war...

Why this title? I hear it used but I'm still not completely sure what it means. It makes me wonder how much we say, hope for and think about is really understood. Yet, we want it so bad. We want it right now. Give it to me!! We whine. It's too hot. It's too cold. Not enough rain..too much rain! Stay. Go. I want you....or do I? Human nature can be so fickle...and yet so determined.

According to WikiAnswers, All is Fair in Love and War actually comes from an original quote by John Lyly's 'Eupheus' "The rules of fair play do not apply in love and war". Now that I can understand... a little better..I think. So as children we are taught to be fair, to share, to treat our neighbor as we want to be treated. And then we grow up. And we are assaulted by backstabbing friends, broken hearts and lies. Our world slowly crumbling before us. And then we learn to cope...vices, denial, anger, stress, yoga, chocolate, church. The VOID becoming greater. Or maybe we mold ourselves, change even if ever so slightly to make ourselves acceptable, palatable, digestible. Playing tug of war...with each other..with ourselves!

Call me old fashioned, weak or dumb but, I still choose to take the high road or the Road Less Traveled as Robert Frost calls it. This road is definitely not for the faint at heart. The path sometimes gets so windy and steep that not even our closes friend can walk side by side with us. And then there are times that the fog gets so dense that we can't even see our own hands. It can be lonely at times...the journey. While on this road we may meet those who live by the mantra "All is fair in love and war". No, let me restate that..On this road we WILL meet those who live solely for themselves. Be aware, stay focused and remember your childhood lessons.

I attended a funeral last week of an 85 year old great grandmother. She left this parting message to be shared with all ..."Keep your heart pure which includes treating each other and yourself kindly".

Be Blessed

Confessions of a former Hopeless Romantic

     For the past 5 weeks I have been saying this line "I am so bored in my life right now"! As if I am waiting for someone, something, somehow to come save me from my dreadful misery. Normally I would simply snap out of this mental torment by planning a trip local or otherwise to ESCAPE the drudgery of my everyday existence. However, this time, in this place, in this moment not even daydreams about my upcoming trip to Boston could soothe this emptiness. I am usually so good at freeing myself and helping others to do the same but, I could not shake it. What's a girl to do?
   I asked my friends to pray for me. I let them know "something is not quite right". I read self help books. I even resorted to taking more Facebook quizzes! Talk about desperate! Last week in hopes of forgetting my woes 'cause obviously I wasn't finding a cure, I decided to go out with some coworkers after work to celebrate Riverside County's Furlough Fridays. I mean isn't that what Happy Hour is all about? Oh, what a great time was had by all..I assume..at the very least I knew I was feeling pretty right. I can not remember the last time I laughed that hard, enjoyed margaritas that much and felt that empowered. Ok, I could just blame it on the al-al-alco-alcohol or the 4 inch stilettos I was rockin' but I was actually starting to realize some things about my patterns that had nothing to do with imbibing.
     This past Thursday, we repeated our social ritual. My very good friend, Chief Collins is leaving for Afghanistan for just under a year. Now Chief is quite a character. Although his wife Denise and I started as coworkers, we instantly became sister girlfriends and I guess he came as part of the package. They are a no nonsense couple who definitely live life to the fullest. Life of the party is quite the understatement. This night I decided to pretty much drink water and watch from the sidelines. And that's when it happened.
     Daniel and I sat in a booth just shooting the breeze and people watching, sizing them up. I mean career, number of children, marital status, lifestyle, income and education levels. We actually got to verify our assumptions with one of our unsuspecting victims. Sure enough..almost 100%! Then Chief turns to me and says "You Gotta Man?". Oh that question! Crazy, I hated the question just as much when I was married. Now, mind you I already knew that Daniel knows I am single. Come on, I spend 9 hours a day sitting directly across from his wife. But, I went along with it. After singing the chorus from Yoyo's "What your man gotta do with me", I replied "um no"! Chief replies "Ok, Jo when I get back from Afghanistan, I'm going to need a mission so I am making it my personal job to find one for you".
     My knee-jerk reaction was to thank him for his concern but then kindly let him know that his services would not be required because I know what type of man I like. And when I meet him, I will know because the clouds will open up and the angels will start singing and he will arrive on a white horse or make that a 2010 Mercedes Benz CLS 500 and wear Boss suits, stylish glasses, say all the right things, be self-evolved, well traveled, well read, speak a 2nd language, eat Morrocan food and be offended by anything crass. But, instead I just listened as he marketed his services. Daniel started with the whole men are simple, we like sex..blah, blah,blah, blah. This time I did not tune out, nor take my soap box stance, nor fall into one of my religious psychobabble notions. I just listened without rose colored glasses or prejudices. Observed and listened. He stopped for a moment to compliment one of our coworkers. Let me paraphrase. He said now you see..she's (name withheld to protect the innocent) a pimp(meant to infer that she has game and is in control). She's in her 50's at a stage where if you like her great if you don't it doesn't phase her. She's married and has that whole gig on lock. She has charm, personality and her vibe is cool. According to the Urban Dictionary this woman has SWAGGER which "is to move with confidence, sophistication and to be cool". Mos def, Chief was right on. I watched her... intently...more like studied her.
     He turns back to me and says, you're Al Pacino in the Godfather. Is that a compliment? No need to get stuck trying to figure that out. That's a whole blog unto itself. Let's keep it simple. Now the wheels are turning. I've got this man/woman thing all wrong.
     Friday night, I'm home, antsy, no one to go out with including my own sisters. So, I decide to go out with myself. This is not new been doing it for years. Should I admit that? Well, yes, I can't wait to start living. I am confident enough to not need another body to go out into the world. I start by listening to some live jazz, then over to Barnes and Noble to seek answers from more well intentioned authors. 7 steps to a happier you, 9 steps to living your best life, the discovery of a 8th new habit of highly successful people and the list goes on. Okay, you get the point. I start with The Time Travelers Wife (ideal chick flick enables me to keep on the rose colored glasses) left during the movie and decided to go see the Ugly Truth instead. Wow, the truth is not only UGLY but, it can be hard to digest as well. But, it struck a chord or was that a nerve?
     I've been doing this all wrong. I have no swagger. I've been expecting men to behave like my girlfriends. That's not their purpose. I should have learned this years ago. It would have saved me a lot of heartache. Oh well, if he drives a Jeep Wrangler, I don't own a CLS 500. Should I really care if he doesn't like Morrocan food? Maybe I haven't learned to appreciate a mean grilled hot dog and iced cold beer. I can admit that. I'll always have my sister Jen or my girlfriend Sherrill willing to try new culinary delights. So what if he is not already well traveled as long as he is willing to go new places with me. I thought I got rid of this laundry list a long time ago. It's been lingering in the recesses of my mind causing me to view the world, well men, in unnatural light...rose to be exact..rose colored light...DISTORTED!
     So my dear friends, I will keep you posted on my journey. I already have everything I need for this trip. And this time I am leaving the glasses, the laundry lists and psychobabble behind. I will no longer say "I'm Bored" without taking full responsibility for coming up with a solution for it. I am not a hopeless, helpless, naive woman waiting for someone to save her. There's a lot of life in me. I've got some work to do, more lessons to learn and that's the Ugly Truth!